7 January 2012 by kathleen.

I was talking with a friend the other day about the letter she was composing to the head of the small company she works for.  The company is too small to have a separate human resources (HR) department, so The Boss will make all decisions.

I wrote last year about The Letter. It is easy enough to do, but ever so hard to get it right. I have read letters that a few people have written.

Too often the letters attempt explain why the writer is transgendered; or they intend to justify why the writer has to come out. Your boss, your neighbor, your uncle — these people don’t need to know why. The world is not just: you are not coming out to bring justice to the world. If you’re explaining or justifying, the only audience is yourself, so tear up that letter and start another one.

It may be appropriate for you to state matter-of-factly that you intend to begin working in your chosen gender on a certain date, and for you to assure your boss that your ability to perform your job functions will not be diminished. It is certainly appropriate to ask that you be treated with dignity and respect.

That’s the letter then: one paragraph to state the date and the nature of your transition; a paragraph to ask for equitable treatment; and a closing paragraph thanking the reader for cooperation and assistance.

There is no place in such a letter for apology; there is no place to beg for permission; there is no place to even ask for approval; there is no place for threats, either. The decision to transition is not negotiable; you must transition. There may be room to discuss exactly how and when — details of name change, the exact day and time of your first day at work, and so forth — but you have already made the decision to change.

This reminds me why I defined transition as I did in the glossary, that the transition is the overnight switch from living in one’s birth gender to living in one’s essential gender. You go into work on Friday as a male, and you go into work the following Monday as a female. Period; it’s done in a heartbeat. That’s the transition. The process starting with electrolysis or hormone replacement therapy and ending with sex reassignment surgery will take several years, but the transition can occur overnight.

If you choose to write a letter for your coming out, be clear why you are writing it. If you must explain, then explain it to yourself. Tell your readers only what they need to know, and do not confuse the issue with discussion, opinions, or reasoning.

Posted in Transition on the job | No Comments »

23 January 2011 by kathleen.

In Jenny Boylan’s book She’s Not There, she talks about the letter she wrote to friends and colleagues prior to her appearance on campus as Jenny.  She sent it to many, many people who knew her as James.  Did you announce yourself that way?

I did not.  On the job I worked through the HR department, as I blogged about a while ago.

Around the neighborhood, however, I just started being Kathleen all the time.  After the day of my transition, I encountered more of my neighbors one by one over the following weeks — and I told them when the chance meeting occurred.  I didn’t pick one day, and go up and down my street knocking on doors telling each neighbor methodically and systematically.

I have a small family, and they are all 600 miles away.  I told a couple relatives by phone; they haven’t even seen me yet and it’s been over three years since my transition.  What I did not do was to write a detailed message outlining The Care and Feeding of a Transsexual — and me a blogger!

What did you do?  If you wrote a letter, did it help anyone besides yourself?  For that matter, did it even help you?

Posted in Transition on the job | 5 Comments »

19 December 2010 by kathleen.

Three years ago today, after nearly seven years on the job as male, I walked into my place of employment as a woman.  I described that process a year ago. Today I would like to write about the support I’ve received from my coworkers over the last three years.

I had a few friends in my current job. I work in IT, so if you were to guess that I was not the hub of social activity, you would be right: most of us in IT are content to do our jobs silently. Nonetheless, I used to say “Hello” to people every morning, and it felt good to receive the same treatment as Kathleen. More than that, people in departments I didn’t even know existed welcomed me with cards, greetings, and words of encouragement.

All my coworkers have been immensely patient with me. I mean, I’ve been practicing feminine deportment for a long time, but I still have a lot to learn about subtle interactions among women. I made some minor slip-ups of protocol now and then; my coworkers took it in stride.

Over time, I was able to open up and become more involved socially (I wrote about one social exchange here). Then, too, friendships with some women blossomed as they could not have done while I was a man. They have enriched my life; I believe I have enriched some other lives, too.

It’s impossible to say what would have happened if I’d gone to a new company — maybe a new city — at my transition. It may have been better, but it could have been a whole lot worse, because the support I received was nothing short of fantastic.

Posted in AutoBiog, Transition on the job | 3 Comments »

7 November 2010 by kathleen.

I spoke yesterday with a friend that I hadn’t talked to for over a month.  The last I’d heard from her, she’d come out at work — successfully.  She’d reported then that her boss and her co-workers were cool with her.  She was upbeat and positive.

She was let go the following week.

We transgendered have made a lot of progress, both personally and as a societally,  but we are not yet on a level field when it comes to employment.  Of 5 people I know who came out at work, 4 of them lost their jobs when they spoke to their employers or shortly after; the fifth was sent to Iraq (she worked on a Defense Department contract) but still has her job.  One in fact lost her job before she came out because rumors circulated about her.

Value your employer if they have active and vigorous diversity and inclusion policies (as mine, The New York Times, does).  Employers with strong diversity programs know that they command greater loyalty from their employees than those that don’t.  If you can possibly do so, find a job with a company that values diversity — now, before you transition.

Posted in General MtF topics, Transition on the job | 2 Comments »

21 July 2010 by kathleen.

Again today, I was the face of my employer to someone in the community.  I feel deeply honored.

We have an internal group of employees aged 50 and over.  I am on the committee to find speakers and other activities for the group’s bi-monthly meeting.  Today we had a speaker from a local chapter of the Institute for Learning in Retirement (ILR), which is part of the Elderhostel Institute Network.

I contacted the local chapter, arranged the speaker, greeted the speaker in the lobby, introduced him to my coworkers, then had lunch with him afterwards.

Yes, me.  I, a transwoman with a moderate case of GERD (reflux disease), which renders useless all my attempts at developing a feminine voice. I, who am not yet quite finished with beard removal, I was the face of my employer to this man, and by extension, to the group he represents.

The company I work for doesn’t just pay lip service to the words diversity and inclusion — they believe them and they live them.  In doing so they honor me and all my coworkers of every color, every nationality, every religious belief, and every point along the continua of G, L, B, and T.

I am blessed to be working for this company.  To everyone reading this, I wish you this: that you, too, might find an employer who will treat you with the honor and respect you deserve as a human being.

Posted in AutoBiog, Transition on the job | 1 Comment »

8 April 2010 by kathleen.

My “day job” is a Unix system administrator for The New York Times.  Usually my work keeps me in the background, but a few times a week I have the opportunity to interact with some of the users of the systems I tend.

Today I had a wonderful compliment from a customer.  It was a minor task I did, a trivial thing: I reset a woman’s password on a development server.  I went a tiny bit beyond the usual and actually called her and told her I’d reset her password.  I didn’t just fire off a stock email, or worse yet close the service ticket without comment (which, yes, I’ve been known to do).

As she hung up, she said something like, “Thank you, and way to go, girl!”  My eyes misted up. Could she have actually believed I was female after hearing my voice?

You see, despite working on it, my voice still sounds masculine most days.  I don’t look too masculine, so if you hear my voice while you’re looking at me it’s not too much of a stretch to think of me as a woman.  On the phone, though, it’s a different story: there are no visual cues to support the image of “Kathleen” in your mind.  Even worse, I’ve been fighting a sore throat, and much of the time my voice sounds gravelly.

I’ve never met this person or spoken to her before.  It was so nice of her to pay me this unsolicited compliment!  I have been out at work for over two years.  The New York Times is a large company spread across the country and the world, but nonetheless something of my history has made its way around.  I take this woman’s compliment both as a token of genuine appreciation, and as further evidence of the company’s commitment to diversity.

Posted in AutoBiog, Transition on the job | 1 Comment »

12 March 2010 by kathleen.

A friend just told me of her job loss — the last day she was to appear as male to her coworkers.  After agreeing to let her begin work as a woman they apparently changed their minds.  Did the letter Ken Cuccinelli, II wrote to Virginia colleges have something to do with the decision made by my friend’s Virginia employer?

I’m sad for her, and sad for our society. Misunderstanding thrives on misinformation, and on missing information. Mistrust, fear, loathing: arise from… what?

When I came out to my neighbors across the street, a few weeks after starting to live full time as Kathleen, they told me they’d seen segments about transsexuals on Oprah. How would my neighbors have reacted if their only exposure had been to transsexuals appearing on Jerry Springer? Or in movies which sensationalize us?

I am feeling powerless right now, as well as sad. Those of us who are living and working in our chosen gender: we can only be examples to those around us of how transsexuals can live in and for the community.   If we are jerks, show up late for work, arrive disheveled with our slips showing — we can only hurt the chances of those who come after us.

Conversely, if we model our chosen gender so well and blend in so perfectly that no one — no one — knows our stories, then we fail to help those who come after us.  We can only live our lives honestly, neither hiding our histories nor flaunting them, and be genuinely ourselves.

Posted in General MtF topics, Transition on the job | 1 Comment »

14 February 2010 by kathleen.

I wrote before about transitioning on the job versus starting a new job with your new identity.  Let me clarify and expand on something I passed over at the end of the post.

I wrote that if you are a genuine, authentic, non-judgmental human being, you would be accepted by the majority of your coworkers.  I still think that’s true.  On the other hand, if you’ve been shirking your job, have habitually dumped unpleasant tasks on your coworkers, not pulled your weight, told unflattering stories about your coworkers, blamed coworkers for your own mistakes, and generally been an asshole at work, then, yes, maybe you ought to get a new job for the transition.

If you do, though, you’d still better change or you’ll just end up being an asshole of a different gender at your new job.  Instead of leaving the job, you could start to become a better coworker right now.  What makes a good coworker?  What do you hate in other people?  What characteristics do you admire?

I know, I know…..  If you’ve been hiding your transgender, you may not have any friends at work — in fact, it would be surprising if you do have friends at work.  Having a lot of friends, or being the hub of social activities in your department: those aren’t important.  I certainly wasn’t either of those things.

I thought of listing some characteristics of a good coworker, but you probably know what they are; you don’t need my help finding out how to be a good coworker in your field.  I urge you to become that good coworker now, in your existing job.  Whether or not you transition in your old job, your life at work will likely be more pleasant.

Posted in Transition on the job | 1 Comment »

12 February 2010 by kathleen.

I stayed at my old job when I came out.  That is, I transitioned on the job, and not into a new job.  I left as a male (John) one day in December, 2007, and came back to work a few days later as Kathleen.

Five or 10 years earlier I could not have done that.  I was so sure back then that everyone was against me for wearing women’s clothes that something awful would happen: I would get beaten up, or my tires would be slashed, people would spit on me, manly men (i.e. my father’s memory)  would threaten me, etc., etc.

I am ever so fortunate that I was able to move from that place of fear to a place of loving myself.  I talked about loving my body and loving myself in earlier posts.  Because I moved into that loving place, the pointing fingers stopped pointing. The visceral fears evaporated. The imagined glares of hatred turned indifferent. The hatred that I imagined coming from other people was in fact coming from me! When I stopped hating myself, I stopped seeing hatred aimed at me from those around me.

That fortunate change I attribute to the work of God. The change in me enabled me to transition from John to Kathleen in the same job, at the same desk, surrounded by the same coworkers — without the terror I would have felt a few years before.  I am so lucky I was able to do that! I went to work that first day resolute, but uncertain; I met a dozen smiling faces….. warm support the very first minute I walked in the door.

I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life — 20 or 25 since high school. I have never walked into a new job with the support I had that first day I walked into my old job as Kathleen.

Please consider how easier it might be if you were to change in the same job, even though that thought may be terrifying to you now. It doesn’t matter, really, whether you work in an office or in a factory. If you are a genuine, authentic, non-judgmental human being, you will be accepted by the majority of your coworkers.

The transition will be easier and more pleasant, though, only if you can move into a loving place, a place in which you can love yourself just as your are. That’s where you need to be.

Posted in Transition on the job | 1 Comment »

28 December 2009 by kathleen.

How do you find an employer that will let you transition on the job?  Or that will hire a transman or transwoman?  If I were starting out, I would look at companies that value diversity.  Who are they?  Look at the DiversityInc Top 50 for a start.

Don’t expect any of them to hire you because you are transgendered; that would be a fantasy. Instead, the most any of us — any color, any race, any (trans)gender, any religion, any age — can expect is that we will be considered on the strengths of our accomplishments, skills, and abilities, without pre-judgements based on color, race, gender, religion or age.

My own employer, The New York Times, didn’t make the Top 50, but they impressed me — long before I realized I was transsexual — with their commitment to mixing up the workplace with respect to gender, race, and cultural background.  It should have come as no surprise that they accepted my transsexualism as a normal part of doing business.

Don’t expect to find job openings for “Transgendered Plumber” or “Transsexual Accountant” anywhere in this universie.  Do expect to find focus on skills, not labels, at companies that value diversity.

Posted in Transition on the job | 1 Comment »