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30 December 2011 by kathleen.
I want to have relationships with women. Woman-to-woman talk isn’t the same as woman-to-man talk. Some topics are off limits in mixed company. If you appear to be not-a-woman, women will clam up about those topics when you are around.
Furthermore, there are different rules for social engagement in mixed company. The traditional role is for women to be silent when men are speaking. Yes, yes, of course there are a lot of strong women who won’t defer to a man just because of what’s between his legs. I know that. And it’s especially important in work settings that women learn to speak up and to assert themselves regardless of the mix of genders in the conversation.
In a general social setting, however, the situation is different. I’m talking about casual gatherings at a party, a restaurant, or after church — something with no financial motivation one way or the other. When there is nothing to gain and nothing to assert, women will usually defer. The tone of the conversation will change if a man joins a circle of women, and it will change again when all the men have left.
That’s why I want to pass. I am not hunting for a man. I am not seeking approval. I am not a better person — or a better transperson — because I pass well. Passing is something I choose to do, and something I choose to work at daily.
Posted in Passing, Sex & Gender Roles | 1 Comment »
4 December 2011 by kathleen.
One transgender friend spoke wistfully of wanting to go to the monthly poker games in his femme self. His male self knew that wasn’t possible, but some transpeople are not as wise.
I wrote earlier about the different behaviors men and women engage in to bond with their peers. Female bonding behavior is not likely to work at a poker game: poker is competitive. Women compete, but that’s not the primary way women bond.
You may have some friends from your previous peer gender, and you can trust that they will remain your friends. If you’re MtF, you might be able to pull off a hunting trip or drinking bout in your female role with your old male buddies. Good luck; I wouldn’t try it. I think you will have much more success maintaining your friendships in gender-neutral pastimes.
You also need to learn new behaviors in order to form new friendships in your chosen gender. The socializing and bonding behaviors are different. You can learn and grow into your new gender. Making a conscious choice to do so, and working at it, will help.
Posted in Sex & Gender Roles | 1 Comment »
28 November 2011 by kathleen.
One method by which women bond is sharing personal details. You say something about how you feel, or talk about some incident that made you feel good, or bad, or ugly, or whatever. When another woman wants to bond, she will respond with an equivalent detail or story about herself. Tomorrow, or next week, you and she may again share details from your histories.
That isn’t how men bond, is it. Men strive for dominance, and the striving often results in bonding. Fighting, getting drunk together to see who can drink the most, climbing higher, running faster. It’s about testing my strength, agility, or power against yours.
One method of sharing isn’t better than another — but one or the other is more appropriate to the gender you are expressing. If you try to bond with a man by sharing intimate details, you are not likely to be successful. An FtM wanting to bond with a born-male will have to use a competitive tactic; an MtF will have to learn to share not facts, but feelings with a born-woman, and do so without trying to one-up or compete with another woman.
Whichever way you are moving your gender, you need to establish relationships with your new peer gender. If you want to be one of the girls, you need to bond the way the girls do. If you want to be one of the boys, you need to bond the way boys do. Bonding appropriately is one more dimension of passing.
Posted in Passing, Sex & Gender Roles | 1 Comment »
29 July 2011 by kathleen.
I had the pleasure the other day of attending a luncheon meeting of the local chapter of the League of Women Voters (LWV). My partner was facilitating a discussion of a book about education and the role of the states versus the federal government. I am not (yet!) a member, but visitors were welcome.
This was also an opportunity for my partner to introduce me to the group.
So for me this was a double treat: I had the pleasure of dining with intelligent, charming peers, and my partner did me the honor of not only introducing me but explaining that I had been male when we were married 35 years ago.
Conversations at gatherings of men tend to establish who the dominant men are; that done, disagreement with the dominant men sets up a power struggle which is unlikely to accomplish anything. I believe a saw a slightly different dynamic in play at the luncheon.
Several women demonstrated their importance, and sought respect because of it. The emphasis was “Who I Am” not “Whether I Am Right”. Does that make any sense as a explanation? This was a discussion, not a debate, and multiple views were accepted. It was an altogether different and more accepting environment than I encountered when I was male. I like it; I think I’ll join — or at least go back for a few more luncheons.
If you seek social opportunities, please consider the League. One of these days I hope to attend a Red Hat Society luncheon. When I do, I’ll surely blog it.
Posted in AutoBiog, Sex & Gender Roles | 3 Comments »
11 July 2011 by kathleen.
I became aware of my behavior again the other day; this time I noticed that I was rushing. Men rush. Men are in a hurry. Men often seem willing to elbow people out of the way for no good reason at all; women pretty much reserve this behavior for department store sales. In the best situation, a man will take the approach, “Let me just get out of your way.”
Please note that I’m describing here, not prescribing. Most women just back off and wait for the other person to go, for example, at a traffic intersection. Sometimes that behavior is counter-productive, such as when two drivers are locked in an after-you-no-after-you dilemma.
Suppose you’re in a grocery store with your cart half full, and you encounter another shopper studying a product label and, oh by the way, blocking the aisle. Your basic, in-a-hurry male will — politely or not — ask the other shopper to move. Most women I’ve seen will wait half a minute, hoping to catch the other shopper’s attention, before resorting to a verbal request.
Here’s my own example, involving a husband and wife shopping. He was pushing the cart, while she selected the items. The husband and I were on opposite, conflicting paths past the dairy case. I started to move my cart, then he started, then I turned a different way, then he turned the same way…. You know how it goes.
How could this end?
I chose the third tactic; a woman who had left three screaming kids in the car while she dashed in for a gallon of milk would probably have done the same. Since I was not in that big of a hurry, what I displayed was remnants of male, let-me-get-out-of-the-way behavior.
I could have chosen a less-impatient tactic, and I think that in the absence of considerable urgency most genetic women would have taken either of the first two tactics. It could be a question of patience; I also tend to attribute impatient behavior to the presence of male-levels of testosterone.
I am not advocating that any woman, trans- or cis-gendered, become a doormat. Stand your ground when your health or integrity are threatened. Also know that inappropriately impatient behavior is a sign of upbringing as a male.
Posted in Sex & Gender Roles | 1 Comment »
6 July 2011 by kathleen.
Senior males tell gentle, but often inane, jokes under the pretense of amusing people, especially young women. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but I know an old-man joke when I hear one. Rather than amusing, the jokes really one-upping the listeners — a typically-male, dominant behavior.
It’s easily 20 years ago — maybe 30, in fact — that I first noticed the style of jokes old men tell. The jokes are often mildly amusing word plays, or puns; they are very gentle, actually, and rarely coarse or hurtful. They are often delivered with a grandfatherly voice, if you can imagine that, and they are not personal. Girls and women laugh at them (at least, on the outside!). However, the purpose of the joke is to reaffirm the man’s dominant position.
I was in my early 50’s when I first caught myself doing it. I was trying to amuse a cute young woman who was checking out my groceries. I resolved to stop when I transitioned, but I was not entirely successful. I still catch myself from time to time, perpetrating an old-man joke, but it happens less and less often because I pay attention to it.
Old women don’t tell the same kind of joke. It’s not that old women are humorless, but that they don’t tell jokes. They may share an amusing story about themselves, or something that happened to them or their friend, but they don’t tell fabricated stories to make people laugh. Their stories are by way of sharing, and aren’t intended to bolster the teller’s dominance.
If you’ve never noticed an elderly gentleman telling an old-man joke, I urge you to listen carefully to the people around you. There is nothing morally wrong with old-man jokes, but once you live your life as a woman, you probably won’t want to engage in old-man behavior.
Posted in Sex & Gender Roles | 1 Comment »
25 June 2011 by kathleen.
My name is Kathleen. I don’t think the name Kathy is a bad or ugly name, but it’s not my name. Today I was put in my place.
I went to a jam today — mostly country, some Beatles, some bluegrass. It was held at a local music store, and because it was a hot summer day, there were only 4 of us. I played. Maybe I should have just listened, but I didn’t. I wasn’t very good. That’s OK, but my stature within the group was very clear: bottom.
When I introduced myself to the senior male, I said, “My name is Kathleen.” “Oh, Kathy,” he said.
“I prefer Kathleen.” “Kathy,” he said again, looking me right in the eyes. Perhaps I was imagining things, but it seemed pretty clear to me: he was senior, and he was telling me my place.
I hadn’t hit this male dominance thing on my job. My employer was very clear that mutual respect was the only relationship that would be tolerated. So this was a new experience for me. It is probably not a new experience for many of you, my readers, and not a new experience for most women.
I have a lot of music to learn from these people, and I have no intention of sabotaging my education by getting into a dominance dispute with an old man. Still, it stung just a bit.
Posted in AutoBiog, Sex & Gender Roles | 1 Comment »
9 June 2011 by kathleen.
If you are a woman, men assume you have essential genes — like the gene that bestows knowledge of curtains and stuff like that. You know, women’s stuff. I want you to be aware of your genes because if it hasn’t happened to you already, it could happen any time, like this:
I was walking through a Super K-Mart this afternoon, minding my own business and headed for the door. A male voice called out, “Can you help me with this?” I don’t work for the store, and I didn’t think I looked the least bit that I worked for K-Mart, but I looked around anyway.
A man in his mid-fifties was looking at me with two items in his hand. “Can you help me with this?” he asked again with a studied look of confusion on his face.
“I don’t work here,” I replied.
“I know,” he said, “but you’re a woman and you know about these things.”
What would you do? Would you ignore him and get away as quickly as you could? Would you tell him to find store employee? Or would you do what I did and try to help him?
His question was about shower curtain liners. In his hands he had a clear plastic liner and a cloth liner. He knew what a shower curtain was and why you use a liner, but he couldn’t understand how a liner could be cloth — he’d never heard of that. I explained that cloth liners launder more easily, to wash out the soap scum. That answer seemed to satisfy him.
I am shameless that way: I make things up. I never had anyone ask me how a shower curtain liner works, have you? I mean, I make up my face, so why can’t I make up an answer? Besides, if you have the curtain gene, like I do, you just know these things.
Posted in Sex & Gender Roles | 1 Comment »
22 May 2011 by kathleen.
Watch women: we grab one elbow with the opposite hand, and fold the arms next to each other. This is not the same as the defensive crossing of the arms in front of the chest, which both men and women do. Instead it is almost like hugging yourself. I read somewhere that, standing or sitting, women tend to curl in on themselves in an effort to take up as little space as possible. Hugging one’s self this way is congruent to that assertion.
Men standing around waiting, can slouch and put one or both hands in their pockets. Many women’s slacks and skirts don’t have pockets over the hips: their hips are wider. Even if a pair of slacks has side pockets, they are not nearly as deep as the side pockets on men’s pants.
So, men and women tend to take different postures when they are in a neutral or waiting mode. Men have their arms at their sides with hands in the side pockets; women fold their arms without crossing them, and hug themselves.
Posted in Sex & Gender Roles | 1 Comment »
20 May 2011 by kathleen.
Within the first few weeks of starting work as Kathleen, in December, 2007, I distinctly remember a feeling of discomfort as I walked down a corridor at work — and someone was behind me!
I can’t speak for you, but as a heterosexual male I frequently watched women’s butts; truth be told, I still do, but now I try to be discreet. And, the proverbial shoe is on the other proverbial foot as well: I am still self-conscious when someone is walking behind me. Yes, Kathleen, that’s the way it is. Get over it.
That’s part of the dynamic of heterosexual male-female interactions: men look at women, and women try not to get caught looking at men. Thirty-five years ago, and I still thought I was nothing more than a crossdresser, I would occasionally go out to a local mall crossdressed. I didn’t do that very often because I was sure everyone was looking at me. Well, maybe they were looking at me: people look at reasonably attractive young women (OK, 35 years ago I was sort of young!).
Men don’t care about your sexual preference. Whether you prefer men or women, or no one at all, if you are in public, men believe they have the right to stare at you. It doesn’t work in reverse, however; men are really twitchy about anyone, male or female, staring at their butts. So, part of letting go of maleness is getting used to men looking at you — and especially at your butt.
Posted in Sex & Gender Roles, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »