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13 February 2011 by kathleen.
I delivered a sermon at church today. Our MCC church is between pastors, and church members are filling in on the preaching. I am at the head of the list because I am on the church board.
The reading was the gospel of Matthew chapter 5, verses 21-37. This is the tough talk at the Sermon on the Mount: Jesus did all the sweet talking in the first 12 verses. Jesus talks in the selected verses about anger, lust, divorce, and swearing.
So here’s me, MtF transgender — heterosexual male for 60 years — talking about lust to a congregation of gays and lesbians. Shoot, I don’t know if I ever really lusted in my entire life. I mean, I used to look at a woman in a mini skirt and lust after the skirt, not the woman wearing it. Do I know how a man lusts for a man? Not a clue. How a woman lusts for a woman? No idea. I talked some about my own experiences, and let them fill in the blanks for themselves.
I am not a trained minister. It takes me 1-1/2 to 2 hours preparation for each minute of spoken sermon. (i.e., 20-30 hours prep for a 10-15 minute sermon). It’s a good experience, though. If you get a chance to deliver a sermon, please give it a try.
Posted in AutoBiog, God and Transsexuals | 2 Comments »
11 December 2010 by kathleen.
I used to think that the God in the Old Testament always had the same message. That is certainly the impression many Christians seem to have. However, if one looks more closely, it seems that, sometimes the message changes.
For example, after the Israelites made their way out of Egypt and settled finally in the land promised to them, their God had a stern view of eunuchs. All verses below are from the King James version because it is in the public domain.
Deuteronomy 23:1
He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
This is one of the passages cited to “prove” that transsexuals cannot be pleasing to God. Some commentaries assert that this is God’s statement on the value of male fertility; others, that the phrase “wounded in the stones” referred to a pagan practice by which a man castrated him self in order to dedicate his life to a female goddes. In either case, a born-male was not welcome without his masculinity.
Some hundreds of years later, the Israelites were in captivity in Babylon, and the prophet Isaiah was called to speak God’s message of hope to the Israelites. This time it was a different message:
Isaiah 56:4-5
For thus saith the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant; even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off.
What a different message! Now the focus has shifted to keeping the sabbaths. It is not enough just to be male; eunuchs — no longer male — are welcomed if they accept the covenant offered by God. Do not let anyone say, “The bible says eunuchs are an abomination”, because now you know the bible also says something entirely different — it depends where you look.
I write this for you to know that there is hope; God has not abandoned you because God gave you a transgendered nature. For you must know there were no SRS operations in the Old Testament. Eunuchs were the closest that society could come to transsexuals. We’ve been around for millenia!
In short: you are not automatically excluded from God’s love because you are transgendered.
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17 November 2010 by kathleen.
I was intrigued by the blog post Why? at Salad Bingo — intrigued but ultimately puzzled. No one has asked me any of the questions Diana has encountered.
If someone were to ask me, “Why did you want to be a woman?” I can’t think of a better answer than, “Because.” By that I mean: it’s none of their business.
I could ask a skydiver, “Why?” I could ask a marathon runner, “Why?” I could ask a competitive weight-lifter, “Why?” I don’t understand any of these behaviors (and a whole lot more!), but my questions would be impertinent, irrelevant, and just plain none of my business.
I do have reasons why, being transgendered, I chose surgery, but there are no reasons why I am transgendered. I used to ask “why”, and I made up all kinds of unsatisfying answers. I’ve heard other people make up even more creative reasons “why” than I was able to make up for myself.
The day I accepted that God had a reason for making me transgendered is the day I stopped asking “why,” or answering impertinent questions about it. By the way, don’t ask me what God’s reason was: it’s none of my business. Week by week I discover new gifts and interests that living life in my chosen gender reveals to me. And each new discovery is another piece of the answer to “Why?”
Posted in God and Transsexuals, General MtF topics | 2 Comments »
22 October 2010 by kathleen.
My transgender is a gift from God.
Have you ever given someone a gift, and noticed how proud you felt when you see that person use or wear your gift? Or the flip side: how do you feel when you never see the recipient use what you gave them?
I don’t want to lay a guilt trip on you; you probably have a heavy one anyway if you’re transgendered and not out. However, I was stuck in misery over my transgender until I began to see
I know how miserable someone can feel when born to a situation that is incongruent to one’s essence. That essence came from the Creator at conception; it is not a mistake. Transgender is a gift around which I have built a life of faith, joy, good works, and love of God. In those qualities it is not different than the gifts of bronco-busting, welding, poetry, or embroidery. All are skills which arise from essence and are polished with dedication and practice.
My transgender is a skill, and being a skill has these characteristics:
Transgender is my essence and has been my choice. Is it yours as well?
Posted in God and Transsexuals, General MtF topics | 3 Comments »
7 October 2010 by kathleen.
I was 60 when I started estrogen.
I was 61 when I transitioned.
I was 62 when I had SRS.
Life is not over when you hit 40 — it’s just beginning!
I am not recommending that you postpone your transition because older is better. No, no. But if you have a reason to defer it — say, there are children at home and your wife wants you to wait till they’re out of school — that doesn’t mean you can never live as a woman. It doesn’t mean that you will be too old to enjoy yourself, either.
I can remind you that your income generally rises as you age; you are more likely to be able to afford the expenses of SRS when you’re well into middle age. On the other hand, it’s also true that you heal more quickly when you’re younger so there is some advantage to having surgery sooner rather than later.
Be mellow about it. There is no need to “push the river“. In my case, I believe God pulled everything together for me when I was ready. Whether you believe in God or not, when everything comes together for you — and when you are ready for it — your transition can happen smoothly, easily, and as the natural development of your life. It won’t matter then whether you are 27 years old or 53: the time will be right.
Posted in God and Transsexuals, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
5 September 2010 by kathleen.
In the film Good Will Hunting psychiatrist Sean Maguire (played by Robin Williams) finally breaks through Will’s defenses around his memories of abuse by saying, “It’s not your fault, Will. It’s not your fault.” Of course the resolution is overly simplified: breaking through the defenses one has created over years cannot be documented in a two-hour movie.
I think, though, that it is important for you to realize that our transgendered nature is not our fault. It makes no sense that any of us would freely choose to
without a strong and serious drive to do so. Those who think sexual gratification alone is sufficient motivation have no idea what goes on inside us.
We do it because we have a deep and urgent need to express and live out another gender. Like the horrible things that were done to Will as a child in the movie, our need to express our gender is not our fault. In my opinion, fulfilling that need is congruent to the Creator’s plan for us. If you are transgendered, dressing up is for you, as it is for me, right, good, and pleasing to God.
Take comfort that doing God’s will may for you be — not easy, but pleasurable and fulfilling.
Posted in God and Transsexuals | 1 Comment »
22 August 2010 by kathleen.
It is very easy for a transgendered person to feel self-loathing and abandonment. By puberty, that was the only reality I could see.
There is another reality: Jesus loves me.
Almost every mainstream Christian denomination says that I am evil and sinful to wear the clothing of the opposite sex. “It’s in the bible!” Yes, it is — in the Old Testament, back a thousand years or more before the Savior came.
Some people today (maybe even you!) were so badly abused by the church of their childhood that they can only imagine and believe in a brutal, vindictive, black-and-white god. Yes, I speak of Christians who believe in a vicious god — not in a God who so loved human beings that the most loving Son of that creative God became embodied with human nature to redeem humans.
That God is a loving God. That God created me — and you — perfectly, knowing perfectly the transgendered nature with which we were blessed at our creation.
I believe that the same creative, blessing, loving God Who gave me my nature rejoices that I trust God enough to let my transgender shine as a light to the world around me.
Posted in God and Transsexuals | 1 Comment »
8 August 2010 by kathleen.
Are you angry at God because you think He did this thing…. or didn’t do that…. or did that but not this…. et cetera? A lot of people feel that way; they have thousands of reasons for getting mad and for staying mad at God.
I was that way: mad at God. I was mad at God mostly because I was male and didn’t want to be. And because I found male sexuality to be, at best, distasteful. I hated being male, and mostly I hated it because I hated many things about the way the male organ works, and the effects it had on the rest of my body — and mind.
I was of course very brave, bragging to my friends how much I hated God. My hatred was particularly vocal after I’d had a couple of drinks. What I failed to do, however, was to confront God directly. I was doing that childish bit, where you bad-mouth somebody to what pass for your friends. Say it in the presence of that somebody? No. That would be too direct.
I started going to church again because it seemed to be a good opportunity to crossdress. A few months later I read in a book about prayer that when you are angry at God, it’s a good idea to tell Him directly. Don’t hide behind the excuse, “Well, if he’s god, he already knows what I’m thinking.” Suppose He does know: that’s still not a conversation. You need to converse.
So if you think you’re so tough, and so hard, and so powerful, try this. Sit quietly — alone, though, this is not a time to be a showboat — and sober; no television, no iPod®, no blasting music. Do not voice any words, but silently tell that S.O.B. what you think of Him. Tell Him why you’re mad. Tell Him what a jerk He’s been, and is still being. Tell Him what’s wrong with how He created everything. Tell Him what he did wrong to make your life such a piss pot.
Tell Him! Don’t hold back. Tell Him everything. Tell Him what a pile of s–t the whole Christianity thing is.
Don’t tell your friends. Don’t tell your mother. Don’t shout it to a bar full of drunks. Just do it, yourself, you to God. Get it off your chest. Take Him down a peg. He’ll be the better for it.
I got an answer when I did this. I think you will, too.
Posted in God and Transsexuals | 1 Comment »
8 July 2010 by kathleen.
A week or two before my SRS, I became aware that I was disturbed about something. I woke up one morning knowing that it was my relationship with my father that was the cause of the disturbance. My mind works like that: sometimes I suddenly know what’s bugging me.
I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years. Some of it was directed at dealing with crossdressing, but not all of it; some was just personal growth. Within the latter category, I learned to do something called chairwork, or empty-chair technique. In this instance before my surgery, I chose to put my father into a chair, and to converse with him.
My father actually died in December, 1978, so the person I spoke to was not a ghost but my own memory of my father. I sat in a chair, and spoke to an empty chair facing mine. I spoke addressing that essence of my father which lives in my own mind.
Throughout my life, I had been afraid that A Man would see me dressed as a woman, and would take violent action against me. It doesn’t take much imagination to understand that A Man is actually My Father. I wondered if my discomfort with the upcoming SRS might be related to my father.
So, I put him in the chair, and asked him about it. Then I sat in “his” chair and responded to my questions. Back and forth I went, from chair to chair, alternately taking my role and that of my father.
“His” answers were at first cautious and tentative, but over the next 15-20 minutes his answers and my questions flowed freely; tears did, too. I asked him about an incident when I was 3 or 4 years old, one day when mom put lipstick and earrings on me. He told me how angry he’d been about that. I told him, too, about my transgendered nature, and asserted that it was God’s doing, not his, that I was transsexual.
When I asked for his forgiveness, he assured me there was nothing to forgive. When I asked for his acceptance, he gave it. Then I asked for his blessing on the surgery that was to take place 10 days later. When he gave his blessing generously and unequivocally, I felt a great weight had been lifted from me.
By the time I but the chairs back in their places, I was relieved, and peaceful: he accepted me. More accurately, that part of my own mind which re-created all the things he had said/was saying/would say — that part had now become more accepting of me.
That’s when I was ready for surgery.
Posted in AutoBiog, God and Transsexuals | 1 Comment »
24 March 2010 by kathleen.
I’ve written before about God and my transition. I want to testify to the power of God in my path from John to Kathleen.
You may not be able to tell from the picture of me on the GenderSong About Us page, but I am mostly bald. I told my gender therapist early on that I could never live full time because I would have to wear a wig, and in southern Virginia it just too darned hot to wear a wig in the summer. “No way,” I said. “I could never live as a woman.”
Someone heard my protest; I choose to believe God heard it. A year or two after this assertion to my therapist, my hairdresser told me about a partial hairpiece — not a full wig, but enough to cover my bald spot. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” you say. “A hairpiece is not a sign from God.” Well, not only did the the piece cover my baldness, but the incredible part is that the color of the hairpiece is indistinguishable from my own hair.
But the hairpiece was only frosting on the cake, as it were. Because I was sure I couldn’t ever live as a woman, all I wanted was for my male part to stop bothering me by getting erect. To that end, I sought enough estrogen to override the testosterone my testicles produced.
Here’s what I think: if you want something, and what you want is in line with what God has planned for you, then what shows up may far exceed what you ever imagined. All I wanted was a little estrogen; I got a sex change! That’s why I sincerely believe that I am a God-created transsexual, and that having SRS was congruent to God’s plan for my life.
Or look at my life in the negative: I fought being a transsexual from ages 18 to 58; I would not give in to any more than weekend crossdressing. The result was chronic depression — depression enough to hospitalize me for 6 months my senior year in college — and persistent unhappiness.
When I accepted my transsexuality and began to love myself for the perfect being God created, then all the obstacles along my journey from John to Kathleen were smoothed, somehow, without strain or effort on my part. I figuratively put one foot in front of the other, and one by one the rocks and boulders in my path were swept away. I opened my heart — softened my heart — and accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. Then God filled my heart with love, and filled my life with what I needed to praise and glorify my God, as a woman.
Posted in AutoBiog, God and Transsexuals | 1 Comment »