I was talking with a friend the other day about the letter she was composing to the head of the small company she works for. The company is too small to have a separate human resources (HR) department, so The Boss will make all decisions.
I wrote last year about The Letter. It is easy enough to do, but ever so hard to get it right. I have read letters that a few people have written.
Too often the letters attempt explain why the writer is transgendered; or they intend to justify why the writer has to come out. Your boss, your neighbor, your uncle — these people don’t need to know why. The world is not just: you are not coming out to bring justice to the world. If you’re explaining or justifying, the only audience is yourself, so tear up that letter and start another one.
It may be appropriate for you to state matter-of-factly that you intend to begin working in your chosen gender on a certain date, and for you to assure your boss that your ability to perform your job functions will not be diminished. It is certainly appropriate to ask that you be treated with dignity and respect.
That’s the letter then: one paragraph to state the date and the nature of your transition; a paragraph to ask for equitable treatment; and a closing paragraph thanking the reader for cooperation and assistance.
There is no place in such a letter for apology; there is no place to beg for permission; there is no place to even ask for approval; there is no place for threats, either. The decision to transition is not negotiable; you must transition. There may be room to discuss exactly how and when — details of name change, the exact day and time of your first day at work, and so forth — but you have already made the decision to change.
This reminds me why I defined transition as I did in the glossary, that the transition is the overnight switch from living in one’s birth gender to living in one’s essential gender. You go into work on Friday as a male, and you go into work the following Monday as a female. Period; it’s done in a heartbeat. That’s the transition. The process starting with electrolysis or hormone replacement therapy and ending with sex reassignment surgery will take several years, but the transition can occur overnight.
If you choose to write a letter for your coming out, be clear why you are writing it. If you must explain, then explain it to yourself. Tell your readers only what they need to know, and do not confuse the issue with discussion, opinions, or reasoning.