27 February 2011 by kathleen.

I am still alive, but experiencing some medical discomfort unrelated to my gender surgery; and experiencing some personal discouragements; and I’m way busier than I ever thought possible with church board activities.

These conditions are likely to persist for some weeks yet.  I will post when I am able.

Posted in AutoBiog | 1 Comment »

21 February 2011 by kathleen.

It doesn’t matter if you are transsexual because you want sex with men.  It doesn’t matter if you want relations with women, or if you want no relations at all.  It doesn’t matter if you have enough money for surgery.  It doesn’t matter if you are 5 feet 11 inches or 5 feet 7 inches tall.  It doesn’t matter if your are 210 pounds, or if you are 120 pounds.

It matters deeply that you love yourself — as you are now, and however you are now.

Loving myself was really, really hard.  I’ve heard a lot of people say, “You have to accept yourself.”  Sure — but acceptance is not enough for happiness.  If, say, you lose a limb, you can be sad about it, and angry about it, but until you accept that the limb is never coming back, you will be stuck.

In the mid-80’s I finally accepted myself as a crossdresser.  For years I’d fought it, I’d cried about, I’d sworn about it, I’d drunk about it.  Finally, I accepted that my crossdressing wouldn’t go away, and would never change.  I was sure I was a crossdresser till I died.  I began to loosen up though it wasn’t till 20 years later that I made it to Fantasia Fair. I was OK.  It was better.

For me, the leap from acceptance to love came from God, as I wrote about a year ago.  After that, then I was able to realize I am transsexual.

Have you ever done this?  Alone in the bathroom, look yourself straight in the eye and tell the person you see that you love her.  Tell her you love her eye color, and her hair color; that you love her teeth, and her smile, and her skin; that you love her arms and her hands, her legs and feet. Take inventory — love every part!  It’s not unusual for tears to flow when you first love yourself.

Know that you are beautiful just as you are: right now, today, makeup or none, surgery or none, wig or none.  You are beautiful; love yourself.

Posted in Loving Myself, AutoBiog | 1 Comment »

19 February 2011 by kathleen.

This is a children’s’ book — our hero is just 4 years old.  My Princess Boy is a first book for author Cheryl Kilodavis.  The best part is that she didn’t have to self-publish; big-name Simon and Schuster published it.  Veteran illustrator Suzanne DeSimone did a very worthy job on the artwork.

I think this is a book most of us would have liked to read when we were 4 or 5.  The whole family — mom, dad, and big brother — affirm repeatedly: we love our Princess Boy for who he is.  Wouldn’t you have loved to hear your father say that when you were 5 or 6?  And your brothers and sisters?

I am not sure who the audience is for this book, however.  Parents who would give this book to their children probably don’t need to because they already love their gender-variant child.  Would a grandparent who recognized the patterns in a grandson dare to give the book as a gift?  Would a loving parent give this book to a school, or to a teacher, soon to be blessed with their own Princess Boy?

I don’t know the answer, but I hope Ms Kilodavis finds it.  I do so want this book to succeed, and to spread a message of unconditional love.  You could ask your local library to order a copy if they don’t have one, or buy a copy yourself and donate it to an elementary school near you — how’s that for an idea!

Posted in Media and Arts | 1 Comment »

17 February 2011 by kathleen.

I have it easy for sure: blue eyes, pleasant features, short (5′6″) stature — but I’m bald!  You’ve seen me when I’m together, but underneath I look like this:

Tuesday I had another hospital procedure — this time a colonoscopy.  They sedate you for a colonoscopy.  Some doctors prefer that a patient be well and thoroughly out; for others twilight (not the move!) will do.  In either case, I was expecting that I would not be in a position to keep my hair on straight.

My procedure for going unconscious is this: no makeup, no contact lenses, no wig, my scrawny hair tied back with an elastic tie.  On top goes a turban, leaving me looking like this:

It isn’t great, but if it shifts on my head, it slides back in place very easily — unlike my wig, which is clipped to my own hair on the sides and is taped to my forehead in front.  If the wig shifts, I am at risk from two conditions: hair (my own or the wig) sticking to the double-stick tape in front, and my own hair being pulled from snarling in the clips.

No, if I’m going unconscious, I distinctly prefer to do it in a way that won’t cause more hair loss if something goes wrong!  If your head is as bald as mine, I urge you to seek a cloth turban or a head scarf for those occasions when you just can’t keep the wig on.  I found my turbans a few years ago at a local wig shop: $5.98. I have the purple one shown here, a black one, and a white one.  From time to time I go back and look for different colors or patterns, but I haven’t seen any at that store yet.

Posted in AutoBiog, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »

15 February 2011 by kathleen.

I added a new category to the list, and went back into older posts to update them.

Media and Arts includes movies, books, and plays for sure.  Concerts by transgendered performers, or poetry readings, will be included if I attend them; or showings of visual arts or sculpture.

Not that I have produced a prolific flow of reviews, mind you, but what I have you can browse quickly by clicking on this category.

Posted in Media and Arts | 1 Comment »

13 February 2011 by kathleen.

I delivered a sermon at church today.  Our MCC church is between pastors, and church members are filling in on the preaching. I am at the head of the list because I am on the church board.

The reading was the gospel of Matthew chapter 5, verses 21-37.  This is the tough talk at the Sermon on the Mount: Jesus did all the sweet talking in the first 12 verses.  Jesus talks in the selected verses about anger, lust, divorce, and swearing.

So here’s me, MtF transgender — heterosexual male for 60 years — talking about lust to a congregation of gays and lesbians.  Shoot, I don’t know if I ever really lusted in my entire life.  I mean, I used to look at a woman in a mini skirt and lust after the skirt, not the woman wearing it.  Do I know how a man lusts for a man?  Not a clue.  How a woman lusts for a woman?  No idea.  I talked some about my own experiences, and let them fill in the blanks for themselves.

I am not a trained minister.  It takes me 1-1/2 to 2 hours preparation for each minute of spoken sermon. (i.e., 20-30 hours prep for a 10-15 minute sermon).  It’s a good experience, though.  If you get a chance to deliver a sermon, please give it a try.

Posted in AutoBiog, God and Transsexuals | 2 Comments »

12 February 2011 by kathleen.

A young man, fiercely Mormon and gay, commits suicide in the garden of a Mormon temple.  The entire play is conducted by his grave just minutes after the funeral service.  The grieving mother and father recall tender memories and poignant incidents in the history of their now-dead son.  Each parent is torn between love and duty; husband and wife are lacerated, too, by the demands of marriage.

Half-way through the play, the parents are joined on stage by their young son’s lover.  They have rejected him along with their son, and the lover has never been welcome in their house.  He reveals his memories of the dead man’s love for his parents and his God, in addition to his own memories of the tender moments they shared together.

The play is not about transgender, but the parental emotions are universal.  It could probably be rewritten to have the young man die of a heroin overdose instead of a self-inflicted gunshot.  The parents’ internal struggles could be identical.

I have no idea how much pain I caused my parents when I told them at age 19 that I liked to wear womens’ clothes.  Like the parents in the play, my parents loved me, did their best for me, and could not understand.  Unlike the play, my parents stood by me even before I threatened suicide.

My only regret about this play is that it is probably seen as serving the “gay agenda” — thereby ensuring that fundamentalists of all varieties will never see it, never feel the wrenching emotions, never see the other side.

I highly recommend this play if it is ever performed in a theatre near you.

Posted in Media and Arts | 1 Comment »

9 February 2011 by kathleen.

A carpet cruiser with a perfect sense of timing intercepted me on my walk today.  I couldn’t get away without being rude.

He was a rather large man, over six feet and stocky, but very well spoken.  He had a charming, easy manner, and what felt like genuine friendliness.  As we circled the mall again and again, however, I had the distinct impression he was deliberately waving “Hello” at other men  to stake a claim to me.  Not that I’m much of a prize, but if you’re alone and over 70, hey, why not?

He wanted to know if I had children; no, I didn’t.  He spoke of his adult daughter.  Had I been married?  Yes, and I still was. He assumed — and I didn’t correct him — that my partner of nearly 36 years is male.  No, she’s not.

I am in a committed relationship and distinctly not dating.  I’m cool with being a woman, but I am also aware that my history could come up some day.  I don’t want anyone to think I’m making a fool of him, or of any other men and women who walk the mall for exercise.  I honestly don’t know which would be worse: to be labeled a lesbian, or one of those trans-whatevers that show up on Oprah.

This is more motivation for me to strike up conversation with women, instead of just walking quietly and resolutely by myself.

Posted in AutoBiog | 1 Comment »

6 February 2011 by kathleen.

I still go to local transgender support group meetings.  My own support system is strong.  I attend with the intent to give support.  I don’t know if I am ever successful at giving support, but I keep trying.

I know support is valuable, for M, F, MtF and FtM — especially children and teens in any of those categories.  So it doesn’t matter what the segment of the population tugs at your heart: your participation is needed.  You can choose to help runaway teens, unemployed transwomen, HIV/AIDS patients, HIV-positive children, or battered women.  There are lots of people in need of help.

Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »

4 February 2011 by kathleen.

My thanks to Helen Boyd for catching this story about children for sale at the SuperBowl.

I knew human trafficking existed.  I am so naive: I thought it only happened in third-world countries.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »