You are currently browsing the GenderBlog weblog archives for October, 2010.
30 October 2010 by kathleen.
When I posted a response to Elizabeth Marie’s comment I left out the hardest part: that the spouse becomes lesbian after the husband’s transition.
I discussed my comment with my partner a few minutes after I posted it. She immediately pounced on my omission: the social component of a two females living together. Physical intimacy is no more public between two women than it is between a man and a woman. But couples are together publicly: at a cookout or a picnic; at the company Christmas party; at the neighborhood Halloween party; at birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and funerals.
I have been a woman at work for nearly three years now. I see that I am not the same as my heterosexual coworkers. I am not taking care of children as the 20-somethings and 30-somethings are; I am not devoted to my grandchildren as the 40-somethings and 50-somethings are; I am not constantly dieting so my husband won’t run off with a younger woman. And I see that those women in the office who do not deny being lesbian, have very little social interaction with the apparently heterosexual women.
The social situation isn’t bad, but it is different for two women living together. A woman who is fundamentally heterosexual has built a life and created a circle of friends around the interests, needs, and desires of other women who like men. So, yes: if her husband becomes a woman, she will experience a monumental disruption of social relationships.
I put this post into the category “Sex and Gender Roles” because I can observe what Deborah Tannen described in her book You Just Don’t Understand — that women need and value their relationships with other women more than men value or need relationships with other men. Relationships are what women do. I am still learning that skill; transwomen have to learn that it is a skill.
I don’t have an answer for Elizabeth Marie’s spouse. My partner and I are still working out just how a woman and her transwoman spouse will function in society. The result is not necessarily ugly or painful, but at this point in our lives together (we married in mid 1976, I transitioned in late 2007) we are still discovering how we work together socially as two women.
When I was still a man, I had no important relationships with other men; I had very little to lose when I transitioned. My partner risked many relationships; she survived, but how well or poorly she did is not my story to tell. I will encourage her to write her own post on the topic or to comment on this one.
Posted in Being/staying married, Sex & Gender Roles | 1 Comment »
28 October 2010 by kathleen.
What should be done with undocumented migrant workers, illegal immigrants, and those who extend their visit past the expiration of their visas?
Be careful how you answer: we transgendered are illegal immigrants, too: undocumented immigrants in the land of our chosen gender.
Actually, I have my papers now. I’m legal in the land of women. I know I am lucky to be able to pass, and lucky to have been able to afford surgery.
Many of you reading this are not so lucky. Some MtF are overweight, some are both overweight and very tall; some are bald, others hairy. Some FtM are round and soft instead of angular and firm. Like immigrants (legal or not), we seek freedom and new opportunities. While we are heavy or soft, they have physical features or skin color unlike mainstream Americans.
They are scorned, hassled, assaulted, blamed for things they did not do — just as we are. And like us, their voices give them away even if their skin color does not.
Equality and justice for all is the promise of the United States of America. It is a promise that inspires men and women to risk their lives to get here from Colombia or Nicaragua, and that is the same promise that inspires transmen and transwomen from California to New Hampshire to risk their lives to express their essence.
It’s easy to cynically site bullying and violence against transmen and transwomen as evidence that equality and freedom are lies, but know this: that in eastern Europe, in Africa, in the Middle East, and in many other areas around the world there is not even the pretense of freedom for those who are transgendered: there is only violence and death.
I invite you to remember your similarity to immigrants if you hear someone complain about them.
Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
26 October 2010 by kathleen.
Here’s a common incident from the days when I was hiding, and only dressed at home:
I have washed, shaved, made up my face, pulled on my pantyhose, hip enhancers, bra and slip. I am getting ready to put on a pull-over blouse, or dress, and I want to make sure that the colors I’ve chosen will work. I need to decide on the colors before I put on my wig, because the wig is likely to be dislodged or at least rumpled if I pull the dress back over my head with the wig on my head.
My solution is to walk, blouse or dress in hand, half-way to complete, and ask my wife for an opinion.
Although she has been fully supportive — since before our first date! — she really hates seeing me half-and-half. In particular, my partially-bald head with makeup on my face really sets her off. Without my wig I look too much like the man she married, a man with whom she has many years of fond memories.
Here’s what I try to do to minimize my wife’s discomfort: always be one or be the other, male or female, but never half-and-half. I don’t know how well your wife copes with your gender changes, but I think you can minimize her discomfort by making a complete switch from male to female before she sees you.
Posted in Being/staying married, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
24 October 2010 by kathleen.
Transition is a sequence of actions, as a result of which a transgendered person ceases to live in the birth gender and begins to live “full time” in the chosen gender. That point normally precedes a surgical gender confirmation by at least one year, but for some of us there may be no surgery. That is, surgery is not a part of transition. And, surgery may or may not occur after transition; some people do not accumulate the needed funds; some choose not to have surgery for other reasons.
When I started to write this post (almost a year ago!) I began to say, “Since my transition, I haven’t changed — Kathleen is just different view of me.”
I don’t think that any more, as I said in Another Life a few days ago.
Yes, we all change focus and point of view a lot over the course of our lives, even when we don’t change our gender. When I influence the point of view, or the focus, I do not change the essence of who I am; the appearance of who I am may change, but that appearance is an illusion. And the change in appearance can be undone.
Three years after my transition — and 18 months after surgery — I am discovering more profound changes in my life. Imagine a sapling in a forest, a sapling surrounded by mature trees. It is starved for light, water, and soil nutrients. But cut down two or three of its older companions and you will see the tree grow to its full potential.
That’s how I’m beginning to feel now: that I am just beginning to grow to my potential. I am late, I know, as I said in Age at Transition. But not too late!
Posted in AutoBiog, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
22 October 2010 by kathleen.
My transgender is a gift from God.
Have you ever given someone a gift, and noticed how proud you felt when you see that person use or wear your gift? Or the flip side: how do you feel when you never see the recipient use what you gave them?
I don’t want to lay a guilt trip on you; you probably have a heavy one anyway if you’re transgendered and not out. However, I was stuck in misery over my transgender until I began to see
I know how miserable someone can feel when born to a situation that is incongruent to one’s essence. That essence came from the Creator at conception; it is not a mistake. Transgender is a gift around which I have built a life of faith, joy, good works, and love of God. In those qualities it is not different than the gifts of bronco-busting, welding, poetry, or embroidery. All are skills which arise from essence and are polished with dedication and practice.
My transgender is a skill, and being a skill has these characteristics:
Transgender is my essence and has been my choice. Is it yours as well?
Posted in God and Transsexuals, General MtF topics | 3 Comments »
19 October 2010 by kathleen.
The pay gap between men and women has not gone away. And you want to be a woman – why?
Stories in The Washington Post and many others discuss government reports indicating that even in 2010, women at all levels of education and all ethnicities still earn less than men of the same educational level and ethnicity for the performing the same job. Furthermore, a story in Womens Media states that women actually tend to work more hours than men for that lower pay. The only exception: Puerto Rico, as mentioned in this ABC News story. Women there earn a few percent more than their male equivalents.
In other words: If you cannot stay in the same job after your transition and your have to find another, you can expect to take a 25-40% pay cut!
Do not blame anti-transgender prejudice for that pay cut. All women — both born women and transwomen – face this discrimination, in the U.S. and around the world. Is it fair? absolutely not, but it’s what you can expect if you have to go job hunting as a woman.
This author’s conclusion: a fight for women’s rights is a fight for transwomen’s rights.
Posted in General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
17 October 2010 by kathleen.
My partner and I arrived yesterday in Provincetown, MA just ahead of Fantasia Fair, which officially starts today. Traditionally the Fair occurs just after Women’s Week. We made it here right at the end of Women’s Week.
It’s heartwarming to see so many women having so much fun. Every year Women’s Week draws the best performers and comedians. There must be a dozen shows a day in half a dozen venues. For some years now I’ve wanted to attend one of the shows. My partner and I caught one last night.
We had the pleasure of seeing Jessica Kirson and her stand-up routine at The Crown and Anchor. As advertised, I laughed so hard I wet my pants! Owing to some temporary medical problems I was unable to consume any alcoholic beverages, so I was able to appreciate Jessica’s intimate, stream-of-consciousness stone-cold sober.
Whether or not you love stand-up comedy, hearing a woman speak woman-to-woman in an adult setting needs to be part of the process by which you become a woman. Sure: hair, makeup, dresses, shoes, and bags are at the front of your consciousness. There is something about woman-to-woman relationships, however, that cuts through all that — cuts through to the essence of the people involved.
I’ve written before about relationships in your peer gender. As much as you like men and like having sex with men, a critical element of your identity as a woman is how you relate to other women. You must become a woman among women if you ever expect to pass. Some day, let a good comedian help you actualize what you are.
Posted in Media and Arts | 1 Comment »
15 October 2010 by kathleen.
In my discussion of the effects of estrogen on my body, I spoke about nipple sensitivity and hug hunger.
Using estrogen for more than a few months began to give me an appreciation of the need for touch, and the delicacy of touch, that genetic women have had since puberty.
I remember that when I was dating back in high school and college, I believed that somehow “passion” for a girl was supposed to be related to how hard you squeezed her. How clueless I was! Ah, well; maybe it’s a good thing.
Some of us learn more slowly than others, and for me it took estrogen to discover the secret. If you have plans for estrogen in your future, you have an entire universe of fresh experiences awaiting you.
Posted in General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
13 October 2010 by kathleen.
The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and the National Center for Transgender Equality just released a study on transgender health in the United States.
The press release about the report highlights some of the main facts, and contains a link to a PDF file of the 24-page report itself. The download is free.
I have no medical training, but from what I’ve seen the study appears to have been done in a responsible and professional manner. The study reports these findings, among others:
I urge you to read the study yourself, especially if you are involved with any of the health care professions. Personally, I have for the most part received attentive, effective, non-judgmental treatment (although I do wonder about one doctor who treated me). Perhaps I’ve received good treatment because I pass well; perhaps I’ve been lucky.
It is possible to find health care providers who will treat you as a human being, but you may have to search for them. If you know how to systematically search for such, please let me know and I will either post the information myself, or link to it.
P.S.: Thanks to De Sube for bringing this to my attention.
Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
11 October 2010 by kathleen.
October 12 is the anniversary of Matthew Shepard’s death. In September, 2010, at least four suicides of teenagers have been linked to bullying. Gay-bashing and torture took place in New York City just last week.
Where in anyone’s holy book are there instructions to torment children? to torture anyone?
Are there instructions to kill the enemies of the Lord: yes. To kill those who oppose God’s people: yes. To kill those who break the law: yes. But to torture them? Whose religion instructs its followers to torture those who transgress? Whose religion justifies those who victimize children and drive them to their death?
In the face of violence and brutality, we can only cling to the our own experience of God, to our own estimate of our goodness, and to the love we share with families and friends.
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »