Lucky Me

15 September 2010 by kathleen.

Looking back on my week at Southern Comfort 2010, I see that I am immensely lucky. I was one of the smallest transwomen present, and I was in a distinct minority. Yes, I’ve worked at it:

• Choosing how much or little makeup I use
• Practicing how I walk and carry myself
• Choosing age- and context-appropriate clothing even when I’d like to feel outrageously sexy
• Working on how I talk
• Padding both bust and hips

Despite my efforts, it is my small stature (5′6″, not 6′6″) that gives me an edge.  Those who aren’t so blessed: must they abandon hope of ever living as women?  Must they look forward to a life of ridicule if they try?

I have witnessed large men become large women.  I have seen other large men become outrageous large men who wear over-the-top makeup, jeans that are too tight,  and a blouse that shows entirely too much.  I don’t know that the outrageous large men deserve ridicule; at the same time, I can imagine a mother with toddlers in tow being terrified and furious to see an outrageous, woman-like thing in the ladies’ room.

I remember my transformation over the last 5 years.  It was hard to let go of masculinity and male privilege.  I had a distinct distaste for male sexuality, and yet I noticed some reluctance in myself to give up my male parts.  I say that because I understand how outrageous large men could remain so.  Regardless of stature, I found it very hard to pass as female while I clung to maleness.

The uncomfortable truth is that if you want to be a girl, you have to stop being a boy.

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