You are currently browsing the GenderBlog weblog archives for September, 2010.
29 September 2010 by kathleen.
Tomorrow (September 30) I am off to Washington, D.C., for a conference of 15 local Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) church groups. I may or may not have access to the Internet (or time for it!) while I’m gone. I’ll post if I can.
Meanwhile, I’ve had a couple of comments posted to my post TSA “Secure Flight”. I thought there must be a way to use the rules sensibly, and there is.
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
27 September 2010 by kathleen.
A company email this morning called my attention to new rules established by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) for their “Secure Flight” program. Starting November 1, 2009, airlines were supposed to begin asking for gender when you book a flight — yes, gender!
According to the TSA Secure Flight FAQ, the airlines must forward to TSA the name, date of birth, and gender of each passenger. Please excuse my ignorance of this rule change: I haven’t flown in several years.
Those of you who are in your year of real life experience — what are you doing? Does TSA ask that your gender match the identification you carry, or match your presentation at the time you pass through TSA security? Or do you simply not fly?
Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 3 Comments »
25 September 2010 by kathleen.
At this year’s Southern Comport Conference, I attended a talk by Ann Grogan of Romantasy Corsets. Her talk was titled “How to Get Read in Ten Seconds Flat: Genetic Women’s Perspectives on Enhancing the MtF Image”.
The talk was excellent! I transitioned not quite three years ago, and I learned some critical secrets from her talk. For me, the giveaway I most frequently perpetrated was eating like a man: a huge spoonful or forkful at a time.
Her advice was to eat no more than 1/3 of a forkful of food in a single bite, and to bring the fork to your mouth without bending over the plate and shoveling the food into your mouth. This is an incredibly easy technique to master once you pay attention to what you are doing. Shoveling our food is second nature to most men, but is a behavior that is conditioned out of most women.
There are nine more tips on the CD-ROM version of her talk. That CD and two others are available on the the Romantasy Web Gender Image Topics page. If you have trouble passing — or think you do — please take a look at them.
Posted in Passing, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
23 September 2010 by kathleen.
Perhaps you think you are the only one who has ever worn pantyhose under your male business suit. We call it underdressing.
You are not the first to do so. If underdressing gives you some satisfaction, that’s great. Many transgendered people do this; you are not alone. Are you feeling guilty for doing so? If you are, go to the nearest toilet, pour all your guilt into it, and flush! There is simply nothing wrong with this behavior.
I hid my transgender for many years, and I used to underdress sometimes. The thrill of putting something over on the rest of the world lost its excitement, and in the years just prior to my transition I rarely underdressed. I know there are good reasons to hide. If you have to hide, then go ahead and underdress.
The concern is that in your soul you so badly want to be out that you may make accidental “mistakes” and give yourself away. That might be good, but it would be better for you to choose a time, place and method to come out instead of letting someone accidentally discover you. Choosing how you come out puts you firmly in control instead of being the victim of an accident.
Love yourself. Do what you need to do, but choose carefully when and how you do it.
Posted in General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
20 September 2010 by kathleen.
I wish I could tell you how to know for sure, but I can’t. That’s why I blogged We Didn’t Know a couple of months ago.
For 40 years I was sure I was only a crossdresser. I knew I liked to wear makeup and women’s clothing; I thought that was all there was. In fact, I vehemently denied that transsexualality was a real condition — I was quite convinced it was a fairy tale made up by a money-hungry medical-pharmaceutical establishment.
And now I am one.
Here’s one clue. Go to a transgender event like Esprit, Be-All, or Fantasia Fair. If you can’t stay in girl mode for the whole conference — if you don’t have the energy to put on your wig and makeup by the second or third day — you are probably a crossdresser and not a transsexual. This is not a value judgment, by the way; transsexuals are not in any way better than crossdressers, just different.
I haven’t validated this assertion in any way. I only remember my first trans event, Fantasia Fair in Fall, 2004. I had no problem at all spending the whole week (yes, Fantasia Fair is a whole 7-1/2 days long) in girl mode. Some of those around me, however, showed up in boy mode or partial boy mode (e.g., male clothes plus a wig and lipstick) by mid-week.
From what I’ve seen, identifying who and what you are is one of the most important reasons for going to trans events. Plan now to find a way to get to one yourself next year.
Posted in General MtF topics | 2 Comments »
19 September 2010 by kathleen.
What I’m writing today might almost be Part 2A instead of Part 3. In Part 2, I wrote about sexual fantasies and expectations. That horse is not dead yet: I shall kick it some more.
Regarding lingerie at bedtime, there is a myth: If my wife was really supportive, she’d let me wear frilly nighties to bed. That myth seems to be believed by many married MtF. Silky, slippery lingerie may be a turn-on for you; it may or may not be a turn-on for your wife. It might be a turn off for her if the person wearing the lingerie is you, the husband she married. She may support you well and thoroughly, but still not want you to wear nighties to bed.
If your primary satisfaction from wearing women’s clothes is sexual stimulation, that’s OK with me. Just don’t expect your wife to participate; see Part 2.
Revealing your trangendered nature to your wife does not relieve you of your marital obligations. One of those obligations involves the marriage bed, touch, and sex. How you express sexual affection for each other is your private business. I will only say that how ever you were doing it, you should still be doing it to the extent your body enables it.
If you begin taking hormones, your capacity to engage in copulation will diminish, as I mentioned in my article about estrogen. You may be able to replace intercourse with increased non-genital affection. That was what I had to do when I lost erectile function after prostate cancer.
How far and how fast you move toward transition and surgery is where you and your wife have to come to some understanding. It is entirely reasonable to negotiate the nature and extent of your use of cosmetics, clothing and hormones, remembering that you negotiate on the priorities in you life; see Part 1.
Posted in Being/staying married, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
17 September 2010 by kathleen.
Post-transition and post-surgery, we are seeing our whole world of experience through new eyes. The shock of that change of perspective floods our consciousness. We want to share that change with everyone we know, and everyone we knew in our birth gender.
Kim Reed’s documented experience with her brother in Prodigal Sons reminded me of that. Her drive to see not only her brother but her old friend David from her San Francisco days, reminded me of what I went through, too. We want to take our siblings and our friends by the shoulders, shake them, and say “Look what I’ve done!”
The problem, if it be such, is that only those who live with us really understand what is going on. For most friends that we haven’t seen in 10 years or more — our transition and surgery just don’t mean a great deal to their own lives. Yes, yes! it’s earth-shattering for us; monumental even. But for the guys you went to grade school with, and haven’t seen for 20 or 30 years?
In the movie, Kim went to the 20th reunion of her high school class. Twenty years before, her male self had been quarterback. Most of her classmates were, like, yawn. “You look great. Excuse me, I need to get another beer.” Her relationship with her brother was far more complex, and took up most of the movie.
You know I wrestled with returning for the 42nd high school reunion at an all-boys high school. Having seen Prodigal Sons, I now suspect that my former classmates might have had a yawn over me, too. It was just too long ago to get excited about. If you’ve transitioned since graduation, and have a high school reunion coming up, I recommend that you see this movie before you decide whether or not to attend.
You could take a clue from Luke 9:60, and just get on with your life.
Posted in Media and Arts | 1 Comment »
15 September 2010 by kathleen.
Looking back on my week at Southern Comfort 2010, I see that I am immensely lucky. I was one of the smallest transwomen present, and I was in a distinct minority. Yes, I’ve worked at it:
Despite my efforts, it is my small stature (5′6″, not 6′6″) that gives me an edge. Those who aren’t so blessed: must they abandon hope of ever living as women? Must they look forward to a life of ridicule if they try?
I have witnessed large men become large women. I have seen other large men become outrageous large men who wear over-the-top makeup, jeans that are too tight, and a blouse that shows entirely too much. I don’t know that the outrageous large men deserve ridicule; at the same time, I can imagine a mother with toddlers in tow being terrified and furious to see an outrageous, woman-like thing in the ladies’ room.
I remember my transformation over the last 5 years. It was hard to let go of masculinity and male privilege. I had a distinct distaste for male sexuality, and yet I noticed some reluctance in myself to give up my male parts. I say that because I understand how outrageous large men could remain so. Regardless of stature, I found it very hard to pass as female while I clung to maleness.
The uncomfortable truth is that if you want to be a girl, you have to stop being a boy.
Posted in General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
13 September 2010 by kathleen.
I am just back home from Southern Comfort 2010. Please excuse the interruption in posts. I had an Asus netbook with me, but my 63-year-old eyes had a lot of trouble reading the screen for any length of time. I’ve got to get something with a bigger screen.
There were a surprising number of transmen, and I was happy to see them. Also surprising was the significant number of African-American transgendered, both FtM and MtF. I’ve often wondered where my black brothers and sisters are. Most trans events I’ve attended have been almost exclusively attended by white people. I hope this trend continues.
I also heard about TransParentDay, which is commemorated on the first Sunday in November. Look for a follow-up on this after I get a chance to look at it more deeply. It sounds like a thoroughly positive movement.
I presented my seminar on hair removal to a small but appreciative audience including two electrologists, Kelly Morrissy and Suzanne Anderer. Both are in the Chicago area. There are electrologists who know transwomen and their needs. I hope you can find one near you.
Be good to yourself: in 2011 find a trans conference that you can afford, and go!
Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
9 September 2010 by kathleen.
What a wonderful universe of transgender experience we are! If you’ve been to Esprit, Be-All, Southern Comfort, or Fantasia Fair you know what I mean. You may have experienced a lot of transgender experiences yourself, but if you haven’t been to some trans conference, you can’t comprehend the range of gender expression that’s out there.
You can still make it to one of the conferences this year (list here and here)! If your budget permits, your soul will rejoice as you begin to comprehend what’s possible.
Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 2 Comments »