8 August 2010 by kathleen.

Are you angry at God because you think He did this thing…. or didn’t do that…. or did that but not this…. et cetera?  A lot of people feel that way; they have thousands of reasons for getting mad and for staying mad at God.

I was that way: mad at God.  I was mad at God mostly because I was male and didn’t want to be.  And because I found male sexuality to be, at best, distasteful.  I hated being male, and mostly I hated it because I hated many things about the way the male organ works, and the effects it had on the rest of my body — and mind.

I was of course very brave, bragging to my friends how much I hated God.  My hatred was particularly vocal after I’d had a couple of drinks.  What I failed to do, however, was to confront God directly.  I was doing that childish bit, where you bad-mouth somebody to what pass for your friends.  Say it in the presence of that somebody?  No.  That would be too direct.

I started going to church again because it seemed to be a good opportunity to crossdress. A few months later I read in a book about prayer that when you are angry at God, it’s a good idea to tell Him directly. Don’t hide behind the excuse, “Well, if he’s god, he already knows what I’m thinking.” Suppose He does know: that’s still not a conversation. You need to converse.

So if you think you’re so tough, and so hard, and so powerful, try this. Sit quietly — alone, though, this is not a time to be a showboat — and sober; no television, no iPod®, no blasting music. Do not voice any words, but silently tell that S.O.B. what you think of Him. Tell Him why you’re mad. Tell Him what a jerk He’s been, and is still being. Tell Him what’s wrong with how He created everything. Tell Him what he did wrong to make your life such a piss pot.

Tell Him! Don’t hold back. Tell Him everything. Tell Him what a pile of s–t the whole Christianity thing is.

Don’t tell your friends. Don’t tell your mother. Don’t shout it to a bar full of drunks. Just do it, yourself, you to God.  Get it off your chest.  Take Him down a peg.  He’ll be the better for it.

I got an answer when I did this.  I think you will, too.

Posted in God and Transsexuals | 1 Comment »

6 August 2010 by kathleen.

This story on cnet could raise awareness of privacy issues — for you!  If you are pre-op MtF or FtM, the scanners soon to be deployed at major U.S. airports can look through your clothes.  Think you pass?   Maybe you should think again, when the scanners can show the outline of male genitals under clothing.  Perhaps you’d best learn to tuck your genitals before your next flight.

The most disturbing part of this article is not that the scanners are used, but that images are stored indefinitely in some locations (like the Florida courthouse mentioned in the article), and without review or supervision.

How will we ensure that they do not store images?  How will we ensure that the stored images are not inspected again for people who are not “normal”?  Will you sleep better knowing that the image of your body revealed by millimeter wave scanners are on a computer in some TSA offices?  or maybe transferred to an employee’s laptop?

Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »

4 August 2010 by kathleen.

Walking around with red wax smeared around your mouth; trying to look like you’re actually walking on wedge-shaped blocks of wood; freezing in the summer air conditioning to show off bare shoulders and views of your mammaries; hobbling your gait with a short skirt, and acting like you’re actually demure and modest.

We have to be ridiculous!  It’s a duty.  Men cannot be ridiculous, at least not while they’re sober.  They have Important Work to do.

That is what you can do for those around you: let them experience the joy of being ridiculous vicariously, through you.  Don’t hold back the way you did when you were male — no no, jump right into it, feet first, skirts flying.  Live enthusiastically!  Live fully!  Let your light shine brightly to all those around you. Bring them joy! Bring them your love!

Posted in Sex & Gender Roles, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »

2 August 2010 by kathleen.

At lunchtime today I stopped in a small sandwich shop down the street.  Sitting there was a current coworker eating with a former coworker, who’d left the company 5 years ago.  The current coworker waved; I stopped at the table.  I never knew the former coworker very well, and when I did know her, I was still a man.

Six or eight months after I began work as Kathleen, I passed a different former coworker in the stairwell at the parking garage.  I stopped her, introduced myself and chatted.  It took her a minute, but she caught on, and chatted, too.  Despite the smile on her face, I sensed that she wasn’t very comfortable – perhaps she was late for a meeting.

From my perspective, however, I had enjoyed working with this woman before she was let go 6-7 years prior.  At the time I passed her on the stairwell, I also had a need to amaze myself with my transformation.

So this time when I met a former coworker, I no longer had the need to amaze myself – or her – by outing her formerly-male colleague.  I let the two women finish their lunches undisturbed.

To some extent, I’m not out any more: I’m just a woman.  I no longer feel the need to explain or remind people of what I used to be.  I’m just the me who is what I am now.

I continue to grow.

Posted in AutoBiog | 1 Comment »