I am imagining a series of posts on issues around a MtF staying married to the legal spouse through and after MtF transition and surgery. Similar issues arise for the FtM, but I am not as familiar with that situation. In succeeding posts I will mention some things you can do to make the transition harder on your wife, and some that might make it easier.
I want to start with you. What is the most important thing (item, concept, situation) in your life?
These are not necessarily incompatible priorities — and there are many others possible. Having one does not necessarily mean giving up all others. However, when it comes to decision time, what are you going to do? Which of these will you put first?
Please do not hear judgment in the order in which these choices are listed. None of the choices is better, nobler, or worthier than the others. However, you need to be clear in your own mind what you want the most, so that if choices have to be made, you have some foundation within yourself upon which to base the choice.
You also need to be realistic; even the thought of you having sex as a female with a male is likely to be very threatening to your wife. Valuing that particular activity highly may be incompatible with staying married. Saying so is not making a value judgment; it’s an observation.
With all that taken into account, if staying married to this woman is not something you want very badly, staying married will be hard to do. The choice is not entirely yours; this situation isn’t all about you. Your half of the decision — just as important as your wife’s half — needs to be based on what you value in your life.