You are currently browsing the GenderBlog weblog archives for August, 2010.
30 August 2010 by kathleen.
This is a follow-up to Part 1, in which I wrote about identifying priorities. Today I am thinking about expectations; specifically, what you might expect a supportive wife to do for you. You know, one of those “If you loved me you would….” traps.
From talking to people (and from reading some of the stories on the internet), it appears that there are some MtF who expect the wife to do their makeup, buy their clothes, style their hair, manicure their nails, etc. In other words, they expect their wife to be a ladies’ maid. This might work once or twice, especially if as a couple they use it as prelude to marital sex.
There are rumored to be women who actually do enjoy feminizing a man. It is undetermined, however, whether such women would actually want to feminize their husbands.
There are certainly service providers that will gladly take your money to make your fantasies come true. Just plug the phrase “school for sissies” into your favorite search engine. If you’re looking for the realization of your forced-feminization or sissification fantasies, those services are a much better place to satisfy your desires than your marriage bed.
From another point of view, if your wife does all those things for you (shopping, hair, nails, makeup), it demonstrates that you aren’t really a woman and aren’t capable of taking care of yourself. For some couples that might be a good thing; it might serve to bind the partners in a dependency relationship.
On the other hand, you as a transgendered person cannot grow into realization of your nature while you are dependent on your wife.
Posted in Being/staying married | 1 Comment »
28 August 2010 by kathleen.
I just finished reading Almost Perfect by Brian Katcher. A MtF teen, homeschooled for years, is finally allowed to attend a real high school for her senior year. The school is in a very small town in Missouri. Perhaps you live in a town like that: a senior class of just 48 in the only high school in town.
I haven’t read a transgender-related book quite like this one before. It’s told not in the first person, nor by a parent or sibling, but by the cisgendered boyfriend who has one heck of a growth experience.
For me this book was interesting not simply for the subject, but for the quality of the writing as well. As much work as I do on the internet, it’s hard for me to stick with a printed book if it’s not pretty gripping and well-written; this one is.
Regardless of your age, I think you will find that Katcher reveals issues that we all have to deal with to some degree, even if we’re way past high school. I recommend it.
If you’ve read it, too, please leave a comment to let us know how you found it.
Posted in Media and Arts | 1 Comment »
26 August 2010 by kathleen.
On Helen Boyd’s blog today I saw this reference to a more thorough article at LA Weekly about the last years of Mike Penner’s life as Christine Daniels, and his abandonment of his existence as Christine.
I felt more than passing sympathy for Mike/Christine, as I mentioned in a blog post from December, 2009. I am not in the public eye, as she was, but I work for a newspaper (The New York Times) as she did, and I, too, transitioned on the job.
The article is lengthy, and detailed, but it only tells us what happened, not what anyone could have done to prevent Mike (for Christine had reverted to male mode before suicide) from sliding into deep depression.
If transition is on your to-do list, I suggest you read it.
Posted in General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
24 August 2010 by kathleen.
When we began our transgender journey, we may have been 6 years old, or 17, or 38 — but we were new at it. We made mistakes. We interpreted our desires differently than we do now, however much later now is for you. We understood our nature less perfectly than we do now.
Today, we’re better at singing our gender song. The more time we spend in our chosen gender, the more comfortable we become. Once we’re confident enough to meet people, we can begin to create an existence in our chosen gender that didn’t exist in our lives before. Oh! it gets exciting then.
We approach our transition and our year or so of real life experience (RLE) and we find we’re even better at rendering our gender in the most creative ways. That’s when it’s important to become receptive to changes in the way other people perceive you and relate to you.
When you weren’t so good at being yourself, you may have been read, or treated disrespectfully. Now is another time. You can release the bad experiences of the past, and become receptive to experiences that validate what you already know inside. Be receptive and joyous, trusting that as you now see yourself differently, so do the people you encounter.
Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 2 Comments »
22 August 2010 by kathleen.
It is very easy for a transgendered person to feel self-loathing and abandonment. By puberty, that was the only reality I could see.
There is another reality: Jesus loves me.
Almost every mainstream Christian denomination says that I am evil and sinful to wear the clothing of the opposite sex. “It’s in the bible!” Yes, it is — in the Old Testament, back a thousand years or more before the Savior came.
Some people today (maybe even you!) were so badly abused by the church of their childhood that they can only imagine and believe in a brutal, vindictive, black-and-white god. Yes, I speak of Christians who believe in a vicious god — not in a God who so loved human beings that the most loving Son of that creative God became embodied with human nature to redeem humans.
That God is a loving God. That God created me — and you — perfectly, knowing perfectly the transgendered nature with which we were blessed at our creation.
I believe that the same creative, blessing, loving God Who gave me my nature rejoices that I trust God enough to let my transgender shine as a light to the world around me.
Posted in God and Transsexuals | 1 Comment »
19 August 2010 by kathleen.
Driving to work this morning, I became aware of how happy I was feeling. I am really delighted that I went through my transition and surgery, even though there were periods of pain and anxiety.
I know I am blessed; I know that not every post-operative transsexual does as well as I, and that few do better. But my feelings of joy are both more and less than success at passing.
If you haven’t lived in a closet — any closet – for decades, then you may not understand what kind of unhappiness a transsexual can go through. Or maybe you do: most everyone who doesn’t love himself or herself knows the closet.
Life is good outside the closet. Life is worth living. Things still go wrong: a dropped slice of bread still lands buttered-side down; traffic still snarls; rain still falls at inconvenient times. But life is worth getting up for every morning, and that’s what’s different about my life now compared to, say, 10 years ago, when I was waiting to die: no closet.
Loving myself let me out.
Posted in AutoBiog | 1 Comment »
16 August 2010 by kathleen.
I appreciate the shape of a woman from the rear — her hips. Even now, a year and a half past surgery, I like to look. For me, the shape of a woman has always been in the hips. A male, viewed from the rear or the side, just doesn’t have the shape of a a female — at least, not without help.
The butt is the hardest for a FtM to conceal. The breasts can be flattened with elastic bandage, or removed surgically, but the butt: no, you can’t cut it off. It isn’t very easy to hide, and it’s not just fat: muscles attach to a pelvis that is broader and shorter top-to-bottom than the male.
I am puzzled by the butt-blindness exhibited by some MtF, whose shape below the waist is at best that of a pubescent girl, not a woman. I am surprised, too, by the insensitivity I’ve seen in some MtF, actually bragging that their butt is so much smaller than their bust that they “have to” wear a smaller size in their skirt or slacks. Do you have any idea how many women would love to have that problem?
Men laugh at jokes about women’s concern with the size of their butt. When your butt becomes big enough to the the subject of derision, you shall have arrived. There is even a Brazilian Butt Lift procedure you may want to consider to help you attain that shape. The procedure may be particularly attractive if you have a bit of a “beer belly” and would like to get rid of it by shifting the fat from the front to the back.
Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
14 August 2010 by kathleen.
What it means to be male:
This is the way it has been in human cultures throughout the world, and the way it still is. The situation is not your fault; it may not even be your choice. Deny it if you choose, but as physically male, you came into the world surrounded by a different frame of reference than your female siblings.
Your mother, your sisters, your wife — they honor your choices before their own. That doesn’t mean you always got your way when you were growing up, or later as an adult. But your choices, your wants, your desires have taken precedence over your women’s choices whether you were aware of it or not.
More than that: you were most likely brought up to believe that your opinion matters. The majority of women alive today, and throughout history, have not been allowed to even hold an opinion; participating in a choice is not an option. Women have been property, owned first by their fathers, then by their husbands. Rape was not an offense against the woman who was raped; it was an offense against the father or husband.
Into that historical milieu comes you, with your privileges and your right to an opinion — and your desire to wear a dress. Unlike those who were brought up subject to father/brother/husband, you expect that your opinion has validity even when you’re wearing a dress. You can keep that myth alive while you keep your testicles, but you abandon that privilege when you transition.
All equality discussions aside: you had better cease demanding privileges if you want to be treated as a woman. That does not mean you must become a door mat; no, not at all. But, in giving up your testicles, you give up the right to demand more importance or better treatment than the women around you receive. Insisting that you receive better treatment is a sure way to make your partner boiling mad, and practically guarantees a chilly reception from your female neighbors, coworkers, and friends.
If you have not yet transitioned, or don’t plan to, you can still consider whether the exercise of male privilege is appropriate for you — especially if you crossdress in public. Nothing will draw more attention to your masculine physique and your rugged features than an attitude that says, “Serve Me”.
Posted in Sex & Gender Roles, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
12 August 2010 by kathleen.
I read somewhere about a successful person who told the story of his success this way: that as he walked down the street, if he saw something he liked or wanted, he would point at it and say, “That’s for me!” He didn’t say, “I wish I had that,” or “I could never afford that.” Instead, non-judgmentally he would say, “That shiny new car: that’s for me!”
I thought about that, and the idea stuck with me. I began to say to myself (not out loud, though), “That red skirt — that’s for me!” “I love those heels. That’s for me!”
What I used to say was, “Damn, that’s not fair. I want to wear makeup like that.” I changed my chant: “Look at that eyeliner! That’s for me!”
I cannot say that this little phrase turned my life around. Indeed, I’ve said before that God turned my life around. But if you are waiting for the opportunity to live life as you know you were born to live it, then instead of saying “I wish I could,” say “That’s for me!”
Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
10 August 2010 by kathleen.
I am imagining a series of posts on issues around a MtF staying married to the legal spouse through and after MtF transition and surgery. Similar issues arise for the FtM, but I am not as familiar with that situation. In succeeding posts I will mention some things you can do to make the transition harder on your wife, and some that might make it easier.
I want to start with you. What is the most important thing (item, concept, situation) in your life?
These are not necessarily incompatible priorities — and there are many others possible. Having one does not necessarily mean giving up all others. However, when it comes to decision time, what are you going to do? Which of these will you put first?
Please do not hear judgment in the order in which these choices are listed. None of the choices is better, nobler, or worthier than the others. However, you need to be clear in your own mind what you want the most, so that if choices have to be made, you have some foundation within yourself upon which to base the choice.
You also need to be realistic; even the thought of you having sex as a female with a male is likely to be very threatening to your wife. Valuing that particular activity highly may be incompatible with staying married. Saying so is not making a value judgment; it’s an observation.
With all that taken into account, if staying married to this woman is not something you want very badly, staying married will be hard to do. The choice is not entirely yours; this situation isn’t all about you. Your half of the decision — just as important as your wife’s half — needs to be based on what you value in your life.
Posted in Being/staying married, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »