Resisting God, not Sin

10 February 2010 by kathleen.

I wrote in Resisting Sin that I (thought I) was resisting sin by not embracing my transgender behavior. I think now that I was doing two things: refusing to acknowledge my nature, and resisting God (instead of resisting sin).

I heard my father (my God) castigating me for wearing women’s clothes. I heard my God rejecting me because I could not resist the thought of wearing a girdle. From the only point of view I could imagine, masturbation was so wrong, so evil: God surely frowned whenever I put on a pair of pantyhose.

And so I said, “You are not a god, God.” I made up reasons: “You could not have made us all the way the bible said, creating man different from the animals.  We are all part of the continuum of life, from virus to human — whether You made all the diversity of the universe in a week, or whether the universe evolved over billions of years: life is continuous, and living things are biologically contiguous. That Adam and Eve story is baloney.”

That’s what I said. Boy, did I ever reject God, didn’t I, in return for God rejecting me. I abandoned God for nearly 40 years, living in spiritual vacuum, groping for the spirit I knew was there.

I now reside in a space of loving myself and loving the transsexual nature that God gave me. I was able to stop resisting sin/resisting God when I moved into that space. I could see that God had been chasing me — yes, chasing me — hounding me to accept the gifts lying before me.

Instead of accepting those gifts every time I applied lipstick or pulled on a pair of pantyhose, no, instead I had been rejecting God’s gifts by insisting to myself that I was broken, evil, and deviant.

What finally broke the pattern were the words of a woman from church, who said to me, basically,

God created me transsexual, and God doesn’t make mistakes. I am not a mistake, I am the transsexual that God created. When I dress as a woman, I am acting in accord with God’s plan for me. I am supposed to put on the appearance of the opposite sex, and when I do so I am pleasing to God.

I heard that woman’s words, and they seeped into my brain/mind/soul, into my consciousness.

It was as if a new sun appeared in the sky! There was no longer a reason to reject God; God didn’t hate or reject me; I realized that God loves me, had been loving me, wants me to experience and express the nature God created for me.

For me, that God is Jesus Christ. My belief in and love for Jesus went on to develop through my awakening spirituality. I will not judge you if your God is not Jesus. Whoever your God is, that God loves you and blessed you with transgender. You can cherish that gift, appreciate it, and love the Giver.

Posted in Loving Myself, God and Transsexuals | 1 Comment »