I spent a lot of my life detesting parts of my body. I hated my testicles, those testosterone-pumping nuggets that kept my sexual response on edge. Part of my body-hatred was cultural, I know: most of us, transgendered or not, have some part or parts of our bodies that we hate. It’s just that for us, the part we hate is tied to sexual identity. I mean, supposed I was upset and depressed because my ears stuck out too far. Well, I might not like it, but my identity as a man (or woman) isn’t tied to the size of my ears. My self-esteem might be, but not my sexual identity. That’s something that sets us apart.
I have very functional thighs, and knees. Except for a few scars here and there, I have all my fingers and toes, and they all work. Wrists, too, and forearms and elbows. Shoulders muscles are tight and sore on occasion, but functional. My feet are a bit bigger than I’d wish for if I could start over, but they are functional. Better yet, I have worked to make them move more gracefully than they used to.
I could go further with the inventory: pancreas, spleen, hypothalamus, liver….. But you have those parts, too. My point is to appreciate them!
I know, I know: I hated parts of me, too. I focused on the tiny parts I didn’t like, or wasn’t comfortable with, and didn’t pay attention to the whole picture. When I (finally) came to appreciate and to love myself because I am transsexual: that made the whole difference. And it made the difference regardless of surgery.
I mean, once I began to love myself, loving my body was easy, normal, natural, obvious. I love my body because I love myself.
If you are planning it the other way around — namely, “I will love myself when I have the body I’m supposed to have” — I think you’re in for a rough time.
I want to say this: once I began to love myself, it was amazing how the world changed! All the people I was sure were against me, all the people who I was sure would beat me up if they found out I like to wear women’s clothes, all the fingers I was sure were pointing at me: I couldn’t find them after I started to love myself.
Imagine that!
Let me suggest this course of action: while you’re waiting to start hormones, or waiting for surgery, think about loving yourself just exactly as you are right now. Love yourself in spite of being transsexual. Love yourself because you are transsexual. If you can get to that place of loving yourself, I think you will find that the hormones and the surgery and whatever else you need fall right into line for you.