29 December 2009 by kathleen.

In my hospital bed a day or so after surgery, I began to feel an itch in one of those places you can’t touch in public.  I wasn’t “in public”, but at that moment the place was still wrapped in surgical bandages so I couldn’t touch it anyway.

What I found so peculiar, though, was that the itch was in a place that I thought wouldn’t be there any more.  The tissue was still there, but the place wasn’t!  I don’t believe this is quite like “phantom limb” pain, because the affected tissue isn’t missing; it’s been relocated.  For the tissue which remains from my male organs, my mind has had to remap the sensations from the old locations to their new locations within my female organs.  I think it’s pretty cool!

I submit this aphorism: inside every male organ there is a female organ waiting to emerge.

Posted in General MtF topics | 1 Comment »

28 December 2009 by kathleen.

How do you find an employer that will let you transition on the job?  Or that will hire a transman or transwoman?  If I were starting out, I would look at companies that value diversity.  Who are they?  Look at the DiversityInc Top 50 for a start.

Don’t expect any of them to hire you because you are transgendered; that would be a fantasy. Instead, the most any of us — any color, any race, any (trans)gender, any religion, any age — can expect is that we will be considered on the strengths of our accomplishments, skills, and abilities, without pre-judgements based on color, race, gender, religion or age.

My own employer, The New York Times, didn’t make the Top 50, but they impressed me — long before I realized I was transsexual — with their commitment to mixing up the workplace with respect to gender, race, and cultural background.  It should have come as no surprise that they accepted my transsexualism as a normal part of doing business.

Don’t expect to find job openings for “Transgendered Plumber” or “Transsexual Accountant” anywhere in this universie.  Do expect to find focus on skills, not labels, at companies that value diversity.

Posted in Transition on the job | 1 Comment »

26 December 2009 by kathleen.

On the 8th day after surgery, I went the surgeon’s office to remove the bandages and learn how to dilate.  I was sitting in a chair with stirrups, and my partner was holding onto my shoulders.  The doctor removed the packing and handed me a mirror.  I think I began to scream, but stifled it.  My partner assures me I didn’t scream, but I think the doctor said something like, “Is she [meaning me] always this excitable?”.  Between my legs was a very black hole, black as soot.  It looked as if the flames had just gone out.  It looked like one of the many gates of hell.

Thoughts of the devil began to weave through my consciousness.  Had I been drafted into the devil’s service?  Was this vagina-like thing a mark of the devil?

The doctor began explaining some more, and I realized that the black tissue I was seeing was partly dried blood and partly dead skin.  Yes, I was told, it is black, but that won’t last long.  Once I got past the black, I could see that a very complex female organ had been sculpted.

Over the next few days, I began to piece together what had been going on in my head:

1. Yes, it looked like hell when the packing first came out; I hadn’t been prepared for that.
2. In my mental preparation, I had imagined not having a male organ, but I had never pictured what I would look like with a female organ instead.

My corrective action was to talk to myself about integrating this new piece into my body.  After all, I told myself, none of it was foreign tissue: it was all me, just rearranged.  I wanted a vagina; now I had one.

I’ve gotten past that moment.  I feel very good now about my vagina, and about having a vagina, but there was a tense moment along the way.

Posted in M-to-F surgery | 1 Comment »

24 December 2009 by kathleen.

Distill the Christmas story: it is the love of the Supreme Being for human beings.  Like you.

Our peer human beings are masters of guilt creation.  Instead of hearing the invitations to guilt from fearful humans, you can choose to hear the message of spiritual love in the Christmas story.  The Infant Whose birth we celebrate bears no message of guilt, only of acceptance and love.

Whatever your transgender, know that you are loved.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

22 December 2009 by kathleen.

I wrote a week ago about singing since my transition. I gave myself permission to sing in the voice whose sound I like to hear.  I give myself permission to be friendly and cheerful.  I give myself permission to wear ridiculous clothing, like pumpkin earrings at Halloween, Santa Claus knee sox at Christmas, bunny slippers around the house, and red lipstick any time.

To some extent, though, the permission carries a responsibility.  Not only may I wear pumpkin earrings, but I must; for men may not.  I must wear red on my skin and on my body, for men may not.  In the elegant dance of the binary genders, each has “plus” to the other’s “minus”.  Each has a “do” to the other’s “don’t”.

We who are transgendered do not feel comfortable with what we “may” or “must” based on our birth gender.  Through some combination of accident and purpose, we have discovered that we are not only comfortable with the other “may”, but that we desire it, and hate our own “may”.  When the comfort/discomfort (or love/hate) extend beyond behavior to our very, physical selves, then we are transsexual, whether or not we ever have surgery to confirm it.

Posted in General FtM topics, General MtF topics | 1 Comment »

19 December 2009 by kathleen.

Two years ago today was my first day on the job as Kathleen.

Looking back I have to ask myself, how did I find the guts to do that?  I’d been working nearly 8 years for the Shared Services Center office of the New York Times.

I planned carefully, worked with my therapist, and got my name changed.  Then I made an appointment with the local HR person.  When I told her, I proposed a transition date 6 weeks away, after the Christmas and New Years’ holidays, and I offered to use the rest room on another floor for a few months.  She handled my announcement well, and promised to get back to me.

The New York Times was not a novice when it came to dealing with transgendered.  The local manager saw no need to wait, and we set a date 2 weeks in the future (December 19, 2007).  And, they told me, there would be no need for me to use any non-standard restroom.

I had already scheduled vacation for Monday and Tuesday (the 17th and 18th), so I was to show up on Wednesday ready to go.  My coworkers were told on Monday.  They were ready for me, and I guess I was ready for them.

I was excited, but also confident.  I had a deep conviction that beginning to live — and work — full time as Kathleen was the next step in my journey.   What I saidabove about “finding the guts”, well, I’d already found them when I accepted that God created me transgendered, and that I was as perfect, whole, and complete as all creation.

I make it sound easy.  It was actually easier for me than for my partner.  Let me see if she will make an entry herself.

Posted in Transition on the job | 2 Comments »

17 December 2009 by kathleen.

I got to feeling guilty last night, thinking about what I wrote here yesterday.  Specifically, I wrote, “I’m doing new things, things I never thought of  — never dared — when I was an old man.”

What, for instance?  First, there is singing.  I went to a Catholic grade school, and I was in the boys’ choir — until my voice dropped when I was in the 7th grade.  The nun who was choir director checked all our voices before practices began for Christmas and Easter.  She had an expressive thumb.  In Spring, 1959, her thumb expressed her strong desire for me to leave.  Now.

I was devastated!  I loved to sing, or at least I did when I had a boy’s voice, but singing in a man’s voice just didn’t make it for me.  In summer, 2007, however, I met a transwoman, Tona Brown, who showed me with her own voice how well a transwoman can sing soprano.  I’ve been taking lessons from Tona on and off since then.  I am now singing soprano parts in church ensembles.  I am not a soloist (yet!), but I’m having so much fun!

And then there’s interpretive dance.  In high school my family referred to my attempts at social dancing as “the lumberjack waltz” — which wasn’t fair to lumberjacks.

So when I had a chance to perform liturgical (or praise) dancing with a group at church, I was delighted.   Like my singing, I’m heavier on the enthusiasm than skill, as you can see in this video clip. I’m the old lady in the back, next to the projection screen.

Singing and dancing were off limits for me as a man; not that they have to be for any man, but for me, hiding my transgender as I was…. no: singing soprano and dancing interpretively were not things I would have been permitted to even attempt, let alone perform in public.

I am so much happier now!

Posted in General MtF topics | 1 Comment »

16 December 2009 by kathleen.

After my surgery in March, 2009, several friends said, “Happy Birthday!”, thinking I’d just begun a new life.  No, my new life began two years ago today, when I began to live — permanently and completely — as Kathleen.

Coincidentally, I went to the dentist this morning, and she called up my records, complete with head shots from when she was trying to sell me  extensive dental work.  I laughed.  It was so funny to me, to be reminded of the boy I used to be….  well, OK, the old man I used to be.

I never thought I’d actually get used to being a woman.   For many months nearly everything I did was new, and my days were filled with accommodations to old activities to do them in new ways.  Now, I’m doing new things, things I never thought of  — never dared — when I was an old man.

I’m not hiding my essence any more; that alone  has greatly improved my social comfort level.  I can smile at people, I can talk to strangers, I can make faces at little children.  If you as a man can do all those things — good for you!  I was not able to.  My world was closed, I was boxed in with many shoulds and shouldn’ts.  I have some different shoulds and shouldn’ts now, that’s true.  There are some different Places One Must Not Touch in Public.  Somehow, I don’t feel the new shoulds to be as onerous as the old.  I just feel so much freer!

Posted in General MtF topics | 1 Comment »

15 December 2009 by admin.

Two years ago today, December 15, 2007, was the last time I presented as a man.

I went food shopping as a man, then came home and changed into girl mode.  I’ve been there ever since, and now that has been two years ago.

At the time, I didn’t think two years ahead.  I was much more tightly focused on the whole bunch of things I had to do to get ready to start a new life. Frankly, I didn’t even know for sure that I could last in girl-mode-only for more than a few weeks.  The verdict is in: Yes! I can!

How does one stand in relation to one’s self after a  transition?  I treat my historical self as a separate person, and I refer to him by name or in the third person.  I don’t deny that I existed as a man; I have 60+ years of history as a man, and most of that history was enjoyable.  There were some bad times, too, including six months in a mental hospital — 40-some years ago.  Do not hear that I miss my male existence.

Whoever and whatever you are,  you are not the same as you were 10 years ago, either.  Life is change.  I am delighted with my life now.  I could not ask for more.

Posted in General MtF topics | 1 Comment »

10 December 2009 by kathleen.

I love to cook, to bake, to prepare salads.  This week I’m baking Christmas cookies as I burn up some of the last of vacation for 2009.  The church is having a holiday concert this weekend, and not only am I singing in it, but I promised to bring cookies, too.

I didn’t deliberately starting cooking to demonstrate transgender.  Instead, I fell into it when I stumbled upon The Impoverished Student Guide to Cookery, Drinkery, and Housekeepery, written in 1965 by Jay F. Rosenberg while he was a student at the University of Pittsburgh.  The book is hopelessly out of print, but it was such fun to read, and the recipes were presented in an encouraging way.

Three things have endured in my life: my transgendered nature, my relationship with my partner, and my love of cooking.  Whatever else is going on in my life, I almost always find time to prepare food carefully.   I do eat fast food, but rarely.

Today, at my partner’s request, I will attempt almond macaroons from The Fannie Farmer Cookbook, 11th Edition(!) .  I haven’t tried them before, but we had a can of almond paste in the cupboard, so here I go.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »