18 May 2012 by kathleen.
When we are of grade-school age, we make up all kinds of explanations for things. We are trying to make sense of the bewildering — and sometimes brutal — world that reveals itself to us as we grow up. Sometimes our explanations really do correspond to the world we are experiencing. Other times, our explanations rely on magical thinking, on exaggerated powers that our parents and other adults seem to have. You know, like, “How did mother know I just took a cookie?” Well, duh, we left a smudge of chocolate on our chin!
The problem comes when we fail to shed or modify those explanations as we grow older. Part of our reasoning mind is stuck in the past, and we attempt to apply a child’s explanation of the world to the adult world we inhabit now.
I have a memory from very young (like, two or three) that my mother put lipstick and earrings on me. She didn’t get me completely clean, and when dad came home, he hit the roof. I don’t think he struck me or my mother, but he frightened me badly.
That incident was a memory I carried forward into adulthood. Because my father frightened me so badly when he magically(?) knew I had been wearing lipstick, I was sure some adult male would punch me out if I was discovered crossdressing. But it was not a reasoned knowing, it was a gut-level reaction.
We do this throughout our lives unless we take deliberate action to correct our view of the world. The erroneous explanations and faulty information can interfere with our experience of life, our enjoyment of life, unless we straighten ourselves out.
Our belief in our ability to pass is one of the many situations in which we rely on erroneous explanations. My memories colored my attempts to pass in adulthood. From talking to other transwomen, I know I am not alone in this experience. For nearly 40 years, I refused to believe I could pass. Faulty information and bad memories got in the way of experiencing my true self.
When experiences are deeply embedded in our consciousness, and our erroneous explanations are unquestioned pillars of our understanding, we cut ourselves off from the vibrant experience of our life and our essence.
So, you might listen to your peers: if they tell you you can pass, then it may be time to re-examine your beliefs about your world. Those beliefs might be left over from your childhood and no longer valid.
Posted in Passing | 1 Comment »
15 May 2012 by kathleen.
Two days ago I was in an auto accident while I was driving home from church. Another car slammed into my driver’s door, jamming the door in place. The fire department arrived and cut the door to get me out. Because it was a side-impact collision, they first put a supporting neck collar on me, then they took me out of the car on a body board.
In the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and again in the hospital, medical personnel asked among other things what surgeries I had had recently. I suppose I could have been coy and only mentioned the single, most-recent surgery (a urethral sling). However, if I mention the prostate surgery I had 11 years ago, I might as well mention the SRS as well, because genetic women don’t have a prostate glands. Not knowing the extent of my injuries or the intended diagnostic procedures, I thought it wise to let it all out.
God help you if you live in an area in which you cannot trust medical personnel to treat you with dignity and respect. So far, all the medical people I’ve encountered have been supportive, or at least neutral, toward my transgender.
I live stealth for the most part, but not when it comes to health care.
Posted in AutoBiog | 1 Comment »
12 May 2012 by kathleen.
Before my gender surgery (SRS or GRS) I believed that the sexual urge was caused by the testosterone produced in the testes. Since my testes would be gone, I assumed my sexual urge would disappear. Nope. Sorry — it didn’t work like that for me.
The urge is now more diffuse and is not urgent with the same intensity as it was before. Satisfaction of the male response used to be urgent — like, now! — and over the years I struggled with that a lot, especially in my teens and twenties. Since I started estrogen therapy in March, 2007, the response is more of a persistent nag, which is at times difficult to deny. Thankfully, though, it’s never as strong as it was before.
I mention this now because I recall some conversations I’ve had with transwomen who haven’t yet had surgery. Many of them, as I did, have the unspoken expectation that sex won’t be a problem after removal of the testes. I’m writing this to tell you: that may or may not be true. As they say on the Internet, YMMV.
That’s why I keep writing about the “love yourself” theme: surgery will not make all your problems disappear. The surgery doesn’t cut off your maleness, and even removal of the testes won’t necessarily even make all your sexual discomfort disappear. You will be happier now and later when you come to love yourself as you were created — loving all of your body, head to toe, heel to hair, with no reservations — because that love will remain after surgery, whenever you are able to afford it.
Posted in Loving Myself, M-to-F surgery | 1 Comment »
9 May 2012 by kathleen.
Fueled by the fantasies on some websites, there are urban legends that not only do transwomen make better sexual partners than genetic women, but that they’re after your husband, too.
It would be nice if I were always identified as a woman by everyone I meet. That happens mostly, but not always, and there may be some leakage of the truth about me. Rumors happen, and misunderstanding can follow.
There are two stories about a transwoman that can ruin her life: that she has a sexual appetite for children, or that she wants to steal someone’s husband.
You may be too young to remember the sex abuse scandal around the Little Rascals Day Care Center in Edenton NC. The town is less than a hundred miles from my home, so when the case broke open in 1989, a lot of people in my area were on edge. Justice was not served by the judicial process, and the lives of seven innocent people were ruined. You can put the phrase “little rascals edenton” into your favorite search engine if you’re interested; the case was ugly.
Putting a label on someone can have vicious consequences. Finding that a label has been placed on you can be terrifying. Please use labels carefully. You don’t need to tear anyone down, which is easy to do by mis-labeling someone. Tearing someone down reveals more about you than about your target. Cheapening someone else’s beliefs or experiences only shows how poorly you think of yourself.
For the most part, I avoided gossip and derogatory talk at my job before I transitioned. I think my respectful conduct as well as my employer’s enlightened policies contributed to the smooth transition I experienced.
Posted in General MtF topics | 1 Comment »
6 May 2012 by kathleen.
I wrote a few weeks ago about a Ted talk on shame by Dr. Brene Brown. She has another TED talk — on vulnerability.
I am not going to recap her talk in this post — the talk was far too rich for me to do it justice in a few hundred words. Please listen to the talk when you have a few minutes and let Dr. Brown explain the value of vulnerability.
I am instead going to consider the courage you demonstrate when you leave the house in your essential gender. You are exposing your vulnerability to the world around you.
Here’s what I mean. “Dressing up like a girl” was for me not something I did for laughs. For me and for many transsexuals, dressing as a girl revealed who I really was. Showing people my essence, my authenticity, exposed my vulnerability. I was vulnerable because I wanted to be a girl.
For a few years in my twenties, I frequented gay bars in downtown Cleveland, Ohio. After I married, I had something to lose, and fear began to dominate my life. Then we moved to southeastern Virginia, and my fear increased — I allowed the area’s reputation (for example, home to Pat Robertson and Regent University) to paralyze me with fear, and to hide my vulnerability.
Dr. Brown’s research has shown her that a feeling of worthiness enables one to take risks and be vulnerable. She was not speaking of transmen and transwomen directly, but she could have been. So many of us feel that we are shameful, maybe loathsome. It is no wonder we don’t believe we can pass, and so we rarely even try.
A renewed belief in Jesus Christ enabled me to break through my shame. I know I’ve beaten that horse senseless, but it isn’t dead yet, because the the need for redemption from shame continues. I can understand you might not want to commit to Christianity. (I didn’t either.) OK, fine. Find another way to reclaim your dignity and your worthiness, because you are worthy.
You are worth it. You deserve to treat yourself as the precious child of a loving parent, whether or not your physical parents treated you that way growing up, or whether they treat you that way now. Know that you are loved and use that sense of being loved to dare to reveal your vulnerability in being transgendered.
Posted in Passing, AutoBiog | 1 Comment »
3 May 2012 by kathleen.
Is this the primary topic of your daily discussions with yourself? “I can’t pass because ____. I could never pass because ____. If only I could pass! but I can’t because ____”
Don’t stop talking to yourself; just change the questions you ask.
“What would it take for me to pass?” Maybe for you it would take $36 million US dollars and 67 medical procedures — I don’t know, I’m not you. But ask yourself what it would take, without considering whether it is possible. Make a list if you have to. Or, if your list is big enough, turn it into a book.
Asking this assumes that there is some way for this to happen. It doesn’t mean that you’re committing yourself to actually doing something about it, you understand. You can make that much clear to yourself so you don’t get scared, but find out what it would take.
You don’t want to do this too long. The positive feelings might be too much to handle, so just give yourself, say, 10 minutes. For just 10 minutes explain to yourself what it would take for you to live in the gender that expresses your essence. Don’t write it down, if you don’t want to. I know how serious it would be if someone else saw it, so just keep it to yourself if you have to.
If you’re way past this stage, good for you! Many, many trans people are not: they are stuck day after day beating themselves up for not being the gender they really are, but without the permission to to even think about how they could emerge into the fullness of being. If you know someone like this, don’t make it worse by reinforcing their fears. Instead, encourage them to think how instead of why not.
Posted in Passing | 1 Comment »
30 April 2012 by kathleen.
According to TallWomen.ORG, the tallest known living woman in April, 2012, is De-Fen Yao, a Chinese woman who is 7 feet 9 inches tall. TallWomen also asserts that singer Taylor Swift is 6′0″.
Seven feet nine inches — whew!
I don’t have a height problem, but I’ve heard a lot of MtFs explain that they can’t pass because they’re too tall. Instead of using my height as an excuse for not leaving the house, I had a bunch of others; I listed 9 reasons here.
What I’m trying to say is that passing isn’t about height. Regardless of our height, when we first try to pass we are sure we are as conspicuous as all 7′9″ of De-Fen Yao. And then there are the stares of men checking us out no matter what size we are.
We all have to learn to make the best of the features and characteristics we have. Too tall, too thin, too angular, thighs too heavy, feet too big — whatever! Every woman, genetic or trans, has to figure out the most flattering way to dress and to behave to accommodate the body she has — so do you.
Meanwhile, if you are a transwoman 5′10″ or over, check out TallWomen.ORG for inspiration and advice. There are good links, too, like shopping for women’s size 16 shoes!
Posted in Passing | 1 Comment »
27 April 2012 by kathleen.
Huge thanks to the Transgender Law Center (TLC) for its support of Mia Macy in her suit against the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF). Before her transition, Ms Macy was hired by the ATF, pending successfully passing a background check. However, when she notified the ATF that she had changed her gender, she was told that funding for the position had been cut. She contacted the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) and discussed the issue.
The decision (reprinted on the TLC site and available from Scribd as well) confirms that Ms Macy’s complaint of discrimination based on her transgender is covered by Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Who knew in 1964 that we transgenders would have President Lyndon B. Johnson to thank some day!
I wish I had had Ms Macy’s imagination in fall of 2007. I was in a similar situation, but the potential employer was a small, private college not a government agency. I interviewed for the position as Kathleen, even though I hadn’t yet transitioned. At the end of the interview I revealed to the interviewer that I was transgender. A few days later I, too, got the story that funding had been cut. I believed the story, of course; because it was a private college the funding issue was credible.
Thank you, Ms Macy, for your courage in pressing your case. Thank you, Transgender Law Center, thank you EEOC, and thanks to congress, maligned that it is, for passing the Civil Rights Act.
Posted in Transition on the job | 1 Comment »
24 April 2012 by kathleen.
As a man, I was never into body-building — no surprise there: I hated my body, so why would I want to make it bigger? I didn’t pay much attention to my weight either. I just weighed whatever I weighed.
Thus you see another aspect of male privilege.
Women and girls, far more than men and boys, are brainwashed into believing that their appearance equates to their self-worth. In the most severe cases, the belief leads to depression and to anorexia or bulimia. I’m sure some boys get that message, too, but nearly all girls do. So from puberty on girls are made conscious of their weight and how much they’re eating. As a result, 85% to 95% of those with anorexia or bulimia are female.
For good or bad, women talk about their weight and what they’re doing about it. If you need something to talk about, you can always get a conversation going by talking about a new diet you heard about or read about or are trying.
I write this thinking about my own surplus of weight. Perhaps it’s time I started looking for a diet to help me lose weight. I have some digestive issues already — maybe if I ate less I’d have fewer problems. If nothing else, I’ll be able to hold my own in a discussion of dieting.
Posted in Sex & Gender Roles | 1 Comment »
22 April 2012 by kathleen.
Smile! Reward the people around you by smiling at them. I’m not talking about a surreptitious up-twitch of the right corner of your mouth — I’m talking about big, ear-to-ear, genuine, delighted-to-be-here grin.
You can be thinking to yourself, “Gee it’s great to be alive! Thank you for looking at me! Don’t I look pretty! Aren’t you looking good, too!” I hope you’re happy enough to experience your life this way, too.
What prompted this post was my experience in the grocery store yesterday. I’m not sure why, but I was just full of smiles. I am so happy to be Kathleen, happy to be shopping for onions and potatoes, happier still that people look at me — and I reward their looks with a welcoming smile. As I said a while ago, I am known to be transsexual by a lot of people around me. I don’t know if anyone in the grocery store read me or not — I rewarded them with a smile anyway.
It doesn’t matter if you’re post-op, or waiting to transition, or even if you’re just out en-femme for a few hours — you can be just tickled pink to be living your essential gender! Even better, you can give yourself permission to be happy that you have the freedom to express your gender.
Try this: watch your own reaction when someone smiles at you, even in your birth gender. Don’t you feel just a little bit better when someone smiles at you? You can give back that feeling: smile generously, knowing that your rewarding smile has brightened someone else’s day.
Posted in Passing | 1 Comment »